When I told Wil and Megan about my decision to stop book promotion, Megan said that it had concerned her that having the focus on Roma's conception could define us.
That made me think. What does define me? What am I largely? A mother? An SMC? A writer? A pathology assistant? A home owner/renovator? Although mothering is what has taken my focus the last few years, it is not all that I am.
Writing a book about my journey to motherhood has defined me in a way as and SMC, but that was not the purpose. I wrote it because writing is how I deal with things. As a teenager I kept a journal every year, for over 10 years; writing was how I dealt with those difficult years. So again it came naturally to me to lean on that support again when I was dealing with having a child on my own. I dealt with it as I wrote it and deep down, thats what motivated me.
Through writing this book I let go of the dream of having a family with a man I loved, I dealt with my own inhibitions and feelings of social minority through writing about it. I made decisions and gave myself comfort through writing about it. Writing is a great gift that I have always taken for granted, but along this journey I have discovered how much a part of me it is. Perhaps it's not what I write about but writing itself that defines me?
My gorgeous baby girl Roma, at 8 months, showing me her new trick!
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Saturday 6 October 2012
Simplify
I am juggling too many balls at the moment. Craving relaxation and rest, so I need to simplify things a bit. I started with Roma's toys this afternoon, too many cluttering up the house so I put a big chunk away in the cupboard and will later rotate them with the ones still out.
But I need to go further.
I almost always have a lot on my plate; I get bored easily so I am constantly trying to improve my situation or learn more about something and there's a fine line between keeping myself mentally stimulated and getting too stressed, a very fine line. I have about 5 books on the go at the moment, plus magazines lying around just begging me to read them, that alone is stressful, I feel pressure from myself, to read them.
It's all self inflicted. I'm considering egg donation, trying to find a new day carer, hassling body corp to get my stump fixed, trying to fix my stairs, need to paint a door, want to sell my house, want to buy a house, want to build in under my house, there's work, friends, family, donor family, cleaning, cooking, book promotion, SMC promotion, emails, swimming lessons, budgets, dating, doctors appointments, xmas shopping - the list is endless. How did I get so busy? Why is there so much to do? So many expectations. I need to cull the list and work out what I want to do and what I feel I should do that's dragging me down.
I crave the simple life, I crave it but I know I would hate it. I was even like this before I had Roma. I don't know how many times I thought/think about packing it all in, moving to the country and just living a simple life. I'm always gazing in real estate windows when I am away. But the simple life is a lonely life, and a boring life and for me those two things together lead to depression so I know it wouldn't suit me, so what does? It seems to be a very fine balance. I need to find my comfort zone, and then go a bit below it towards the boredom end so that when unexpected things come along I can mentally fit them in.
The book has been quite a big project. I loved writing it, writing is my passion. But promoting it is another ballgame altogether and I do not have the patience, skill or motivation. The feedback has been wonderful 'well written, couldn't put it down' etc but it needs to reach people and that is where I have failed. I think I will let it go. I will let it go now. I will let public SMC promotion go to. I don't want my and Roma's life to be focused on how she was conceived, I dont want her to think of her conception as a big deal, she is here now, I am happy, I would like to move on with general child rearing. There is that desire within me to inspire and help other women who want to have children, but I think I can do that through posting on the SMC Australia site http://forum.smcaustralia.org.au/index.php I dont have to go on TV or write books anymore. The thirst is quenched somewhat. As a result I may not post as regularly on this blog, but it wont be forgotton, whenever I feel inspired I will write.
I have so many interests, endless interests that I want to read and learn about, and become, but they need to wait in line so I can fit them all in. I'm putting the idea of egg donation aside for now too, I think it would be too stressful at the moment and would complicate our family and our lives even more than they are already, I can't take that on right now, but I'm not ruling it out for the future. At the moment I want to focus on either selling my unit and buying a house or building in the garage so we have more space and staying here. There's heaps of work that needs to be done to prepare it to sell, so I need to get moving on that. I'm going to put it on the market and then see what happens.
So I will throw away all the scraps of paper where I have jotted down ideas for book promotion, return all the books to the library that are clogging up my bedside table, and try from now on to borrow just one at a time. I will declutter my home, cupboards, shelves and tables to ease my stress and I will simplify as best I can.
But I need to go further.
I almost always have a lot on my plate; I get bored easily so I am constantly trying to improve my situation or learn more about something and there's a fine line between keeping myself mentally stimulated and getting too stressed, a very fine line. I have about 5 books on the go at the moment, plus magazines lying around just begging me to read them, that alone is stressful, I feel pressure from myself, to read them.
It's all self inflicted. I'm considering egg donation, trying to find a new day carer, hassling body corp to get my stump fixed, trying to fix my stairs, need to paint a door, want to sell my house, want to buy a house, want to build in under my house, there's work, friends, family, donor family, cleaning, cooking, book promotion, SMC promotion, emails, swimming lessons, budgets, dating, doctors appointments, xmas shopping - the list is endless. How did I get so busy? Why is there so much to do? So many expectations. I need to cull the list and work out what I want to do and what I feel I should do that's dragging me down.
I crave the simple life, I crave it but I know I would hate it. I was even like this before I had Roma. I don't know how many times I thought/think about packing it all in, moving to the country and just living a simple life. I'm always gazing in real estate windows when I am away. But the simple life is a lonely life, and a boring life and for me those two things together lead to depression so I know it wouldn't suit me, so what does? It seems to be a very fine balance. I need to find my comfort zone, and then go a bit below it towards the boredom end so that when unexpected things come along I can mentally fit them in.
The book has been quite a big project. I loved writing it, writing is my passion. But promoting it is another ballgame altogether and I do not have the patience, skill or motivation. The feedback has been wonderful 'well written, couldn't put it down' etc but it needs to reach people and that is where I have failed. I think I will let it go. I will let it go now. I will let public SMC promotion go to. I don't want my and Roma's life to be focused on how she was conceived, I dont want her to think of her conception as a big deal, she is here now, I am happy, I would like to move on with general child rearing. There is that desire within me to inspire and help other women who want to have children, but I think I can do that through posting on the SMC Australia site http://forum.smcaustralia.org.au/index.php I dont have to go on TV or write books anymore. The thirst is quenched somewhat. As a result I may not post as regularly on this blog, but it wont be forgotton, whenever I feel inspired I will write.
I have so many interests, endless interests that I want to read and learn about, and become, but they need to wait in line so I can fit them all in. I'm putting the idea of egg donation aside for now too, I think it would be too stressful at the moment and would complicate our family and our lives even more than they are already, I can't take that on right now, but I'm not ruling it out for the future. At the moment I want to focus on either selling my unit and buying a house or building in the garage so we have more space and staying here. There's heaps of work that needs to be done to prepare it to sell, so I need to get moving on that. I'm going to put it on the market and then see what happens.
So I will throw away all the scraps of paper where I have jotted down ideas for book promotion, return all the books to the library that are clogging up my bedside table, and try from now on to borrow just one at a time. I will declutter my home, cupboards, shelves and tables to ease my stress and I will simplify as best I can.
Thursday 4 October 2012
Visit to donor family
Roma and I just got back from visiting Roma's sperm donor Wil and his wife and kids in the country. I must say the DVD player in the car worked a treat and Roma remained calm and happy throughout most of the four hour drive each way. Bizarre that she can watch the same few episodes of Dora the Explorer over and over again without batting an eyelid.
Once we arrived Roma was timid as usual, it always takes her a few hours or even days, to warm up and be comfortable enough to leave my hip. This time it was much quicker and within two hours she was wandering around the living area babbling to anyone that would listen. Wil and Megan took us around their farm so Roma could see all the new animals that had recently been born; chickens, guinea pigs, calves pigs, dogs, cats, ducks and sheep. Roma quickly took to appreciating the animals and after that we could not get her away from them! Each morning she would wake at 6am and with a series of cries, grunts and moans she would point towards the front door and demand to be taken on many scenic walks around the farm so she could spot all the animals again. 'Moo' frequently escaped her lips, as did 'baby' and Wil's children's names which was delightful. Before long she started saying 'Ee i, Ee i, oh' like the Old McDonald Had a Farm nursery rhyme; she had made the connection between the rhyme and the farm we were on which was amazing.
On one of the days some of Wil's extended family came to visit and meet Roma for the first time. They all adored her as much as we do and I got along well with them. Wil's brother was especially chatty which I was grateful for. I thought they might feel awkward and not know what to say but that wasn't the case at all, they all wanted to get to know me and asked questions about what I did for a living and our life in brisbane. A few of them had read my book which gave them most of the details about Roma's conception which was a bit strange; to realise that these people I hardly know anything about, know a hell of a lot about me.
Wil has a large family, four older brothers with their wives and mostly adult children. Its a lot to take in, and I am still battling to remember all their names. I have spoken to a few of them on the phone and have always been amazed at how interested they are in knowing me and how comfortable they are with Roma and I being in their lives. When I chose to use a known donor to conceive I never ever thought about extended family being involved. It was a complete surprise to me that Wil's family wanted to meet me at all. But they do, and they want to know Roma and I and I think it is wonderful for Roma. Before everyone left they took a group family photo, with Roma and I included. They treat her as part of their family, and that is precious; something I never anticipated.
The day before we left I left Roma with Wil and his family for the afternoon so they could have some quality time together while I climbed up a hill, spread a picnic blanket under a cactus and read a few books whilst chilling out. I hoped Wil's kids (who are quite shy) would open up a bit and interract with Roma if I wasn't there, plus it is hard for them to hold her whilst I am there because Roma frequently wants to be held by me only. If I am not there she is happy to be held by others. At one stage she started saying 'muma muma' so Wil asked her 'Where's muma?' and she said 'Toilet.' Ahh so cute, the only reason I am generally away from her is because I need to go to the toilet, so she must have assumed that was the case. That gives you an idea of how much time we do spend together :). She is such an adorable and bright little button. She picked up quite a few new words while we were away, toilet being one of them. She is attempting alot more words too.
When we got home there was an email waiting for me stating that Roma's resigning family day carer will not be replaced as promised so we now need to find alternative care by October 12. That certainly put a dampner on the day and I spent the afternoon on the phone to various agencies looking for childcare. More change for Roma. I do value stability and want her to have as much as possible but some things are out of my control it seems. On the upside I have since arranged to meet up with two other carers next week, so hopefully one of them will be brilliant enough for my gorgeous girl Roma.
Once we arrived Roma was timid as usual, it always takes her a few hours or even days, to warm up and be comfortable enough to leave my hip. This time it was much quicker and within two hours she was wandering around the living area babbling to anyone that would listen. Wil and Megan took us around their farm so Roma could see all the new animals that had recently been born; chickens, guinea pigs, calves pigs, dogs, cats, ducks and sheep. Roma quickly took to appreciating the animals and after that we could not get her away from them! Each morning she would wake at 6am and with a series of cries, grunts and moans she would point towards the front door and demand to be taken on many scenic walks around the farm so she could spot all the animals again. 'Moo' frequently escaped her lips, as did 'baby' and Wil's children's names which was delightful. Before long she started saying 'Ee i, Ee i, oh' like the Old McDonald Had a Farm nursery rhyme; she had made the connection between the rhyme and the farm we were on which was amazing.
On one of the days some of Wil's extended family came to visit and meet Roma for the first time. They all adored her as much as we do and I got along well with them. Wil's brother was especially chatty which I was grateful for. I thought they might feel awkward and not know what to say but that wasn't the case at all, they all wanted to get to know me and asked questions about what I did for a living and our life in brisbane. A few of them had read my book which gave them most of the details about Roma's conception which was a bit strange; to realise that these people I hardly know anything about, know a hell of a lot about me.
Wil has a large family, four older brothers with their wives and mostly adult children. Its a lot to take in, and I am still battling to remember all their names. I have spoken to a few of them on the phone and have always been amazed at how interested they are in knowing me and how comfortable they are with Roma and I being in their lives. When I chose to use a known donor to conceive I never ever thought about extended family being involved. It was a complete surprise to me that Wil's family wanted to meet me at all. But they do, and they want to know Roma and I and I think it is wonderful for Roma. Before everyone left they took a group family photo, with Roma and I included. They treat her as part of their family, and that is precious; something I never anticipated.
The day before we left I left Roma with Wil and his family for the afternoon so they could have some quality time together while I climbed up a hill, spread a picnic blanket under a cactus and read a few books whilst chilling out. I hoped Wil's kids (who are quite shy) would open up a bit and interract with Roma if I wasn't there, plus it is hard for them to hold her whilst I am there because Roma frequently wants to be held by me only. If I am not there she is happy to be held by others. At one stage she started saying 'muma muma' so Wil asked her 'Where's muma?' and she said 'Toilet.' Ahh so cute, the only reason I am generally away from her is because I need to go to the toilet, so she must have assumed that was the case. That gives you an idea of how much time we do spend together :). She is such an adorable and bright little button. She picked up quite a few new words while we were away, toilet being one of them. She is attempting alot more words too.
When we got home there was an email waiting for me stating that Roma's resigning family day carer will not be replaced as promised so we now need to find alternative care by October 12. That certainly put a dampner on the day and I spent the afternoon on the phone to various agencies looking for childcare. More change for Roma. I do value stability and want her to have as much as possible but some things are out of my control it seems. On the upside I have since arranged to meet up with two other carers next week, so hopefully one of them will be brilliant enough for my gorgeous girl Roma.
Friday 28 September 2012
I Need People
Being a single mum by choice doesn't necessarily mean doing everything myself.
I have always needed people around me to help out and nowadays I rely on a few close freinds and family; I know without them, I would be very stuck indeed.
It took me a while to learn to ask for help and to feel comfortable doing so, especially given I deliberately had this child on my own and have never regularly had to ask for help in the past. But now I do and I think it has been important for me to learn to be able to ask for help, to accept help and to acknowledge that I do indeed need help and can't always do it all on my own; and thats ok.
When I'm rostered on a shift that starts before daycare opens, my sister Natalie comes over, sometimes as early as 5am to stay with Roma and then take her into daycare when it opens. When I have appointments my other sister Jo takes Roma for an hour or so (have you ever taken a toddler to a chiropractor appointment? impossible!)
I have a date next friday night (yay for me!) and am now seeking out friends and family who may be able to stay with my sleeping daughter while I go out. It will be the first time I leave her at night so its a big deal for me. I could pay an unknown baby sitter to stay with her but if she woke up, she would freak out when this stranger comes into the room to comfort her, so friends and family are invaluable.
Lately my sister Natalie and I thought of taking things one step further and considered buying a house together so she can be more involved in Roma's life, help me out and we could then both afford to live in a nice house in a nice suburb; however that plan seems to have recently fallen through. So now I'm wondering again where I should live. Another option is to buy with my friend Tammy, but that is complicated also. I can't afford a house on my own, not unless I move to dodgey-ville somewhere in an outer suburb, far away from the people I rely on.
I need people. And I am recognising this more and more now.
At the moment Roma and I live in a unit near the city I bought about 6 years ago. It does the job but is small, needs maintenance and dealing with body corporate issues is difficult at times. I would love to move into a real house, but to do so, I need people.
I have always needed people around me to help out and nowadays I rely on a few close freinds and family; I know without them, I would be very stuck indeed.
It took me a while to learn to ask for help and to feel comfortable doing so, especially given I deliberately had this child on my own and have never regularly had to ask for help in the past. But now I do and I think it has been important for me to learn to be able to ask for help, to accept help and to acknowledge that I do indeed need help and can't always do it all on my own; and thats ok.
When I'm rostered on a shift that starts before daycare opens, my sister Natalie comes over, sometimes as early as 5am to stay with Roma and then take her into daycare when it opens. When I have appointments my other sister Jo takes Roma for an hour or so (have you ever taken a toddler to a chiropractor appointment? impossible!)
I have a date next friday night (yay for me!) and am now seeking out friends and family who may be able to stay with my sleeping daughter while I go out. It will be the first time I leave her at night so its a big deal for me. I could pay an unknown baby sitter to stay with her but if she woke up, she would freak out when this stranger comes into the room to comfort her, so friends and family are invaluable.
Lately my sister Natalie and I thought of taking things one step further and considered buying a house together so she can be more involved in Roma's life, help me out and we could then both afford to live in a nice house in a nice suburb; however that plan seems to have recently fallen through. So now I'm wondering again where I should live. Another option is to buy with my friend Tammy, but that is complicated also. I can't afford a house on my own, not unless I move to dodgey-ville somewhere in an outer suburb, far away from the people I rely on.
I need people. And I am recognising this more and more now.
At the moment Roma and I live in a unit near the city I bought about 6 years ago. It does the job but is small, needs maintenance and dealing with body corporate issues is difficult at times. I would love to move into a real house, but to do so, I need people.
Wednesday 26 September 2012
My Hypocrisy
I bought a DVD player for the car today; then I realised my hypocrisy.
It all started with 'I won't take drugs during childbirth' but then during a horrendous 48 hour labour enduring pain I never thought existed, I discovered the amazing, amazing benefits of drugs and took them. Then it was 'I will never give my baby a dummy' but that one didn't last 2 months before I discovered not all babies know how to sleep, and that keeping my boob in her mouth forever means I don't get any sleep either until with relief she finally took a dummy, stopped crying and went to sleep (looking back now, I wonder what could possible be wrong with that??) Then 'I won't give my baby hot chips', until she failed to put on weight, the nutritionist told me to feed her heaps of fat, cream, butter, oil etc. So the list goes on...and here I am about to plug my daughter into a portable DVD player.
When portable DVD players first hit the market years ago I thought, oh my God, why do kids need to watch TV in the car? Can't they just look out the window or play spotto or use their imagination like I did when I was a kid? I will never buy one of them for my kids.
That was until today, until I found myself literally scrambling for a portable DVD player, racing from store to store with Roma in tow, comparing prices.
It all came about after we returned from a few days away at the Sunshine Coast this morning and unfortunately I don't feel rested at all. It's hard work taking a toddler on holidays. She screamed most of the 90 minute drive up there, wouldn't nap in the cot during the day, instead she slept for only 30 minutes in the car or attached to me in the carrier so I didnt get my usual 2hr midday reprieve from parenting. The first night she was up about four times due to being in a strange place and the next night she slept very well aside from deciding to start her day at 4.30am! She clung to me most of the time, scared of everything and everyone that was new and different in the holiday spot.
So I'm tired. My back aches, I need sleep and it all made me wonder how I could possible make time away from home more enjoyable. We are heading up to Wil and Megan's (Roma's donor family) farm next week, with a four hour drive each way I was getting anxious about the dreaded drive that I knew would involve Roma screaming from the backseat, while I continuously hand toys/food/water and wet wipes from the front to the back. There is usually lots of singing and praying she will sleep whilst I drive100km/hr on the highway for four hours. Not only is it stressful, but also really dangerous. I understand why Roma gets irritable in the car, its a long time for a 19 month old to stay still and strapped in.
My friend Tammy suggested the DVD player yesterday and I jumped at the chance to have a happy toddler during the drive. I bought one today along with a copy of 'Yo Gabba Gabba' and 'Dora the Explorer.' Roma loves TV and although it means more screen time, I think it is well worth the sacrifice if it means she is happy, I am calm and we are both safe on our drive to the farm.
Of course, even with the stress involved, it is still worth getting away from our ordinary lives every now and then. Roma had a great time at the Sunny Coast, she loved the beach, and would spend all day there if I let her. Initially afraid of the water, once she put her feet in she was hooked and she is always at home in the sand so she was just revelling in it. I think she will sleep well tonight, now that we are home. She is one worn out toddler!
It all started with 'I won't take drugs during childbirth' but then during a horrendous 48 hour labour enduring pain I never thought existed, I discovered the amazing, amazing benefits of drugs and took them. Then it was 'I will never give my baby a dummy' but that one didn't last 2 months before I discovered not all babies know how to sleep, and that keeping my boob in her mouth forever means I don't get any sleep either until with relief she finally took a dummy, stopped crying and went to sleep (looking back now, I wonder what could possible be wrong with that??) Then 'I won't give my baby hot chips', until she failed to put on weight, the nutritionist told me to feed her heaps of fat, cream, butter, oil etc. So the list goes on...and here I am about to plug my daughter into a portable DVD player.
When portable DVD players first hit the market years ago I thought, oh my God, why do kids need to watch TV in the car? Can't they just look out the window or play spotto or use their imagination like I did when I was a kid? I will never buy one of them for my kids.
That was until today, until I found myself literally scrambling for a portable DVD player, racing from store to store with Roma in tow, comparing prices.
It all came about after we returned from a few days away at the Sunshine Coast this morning and unfortunately I don't feel rested at all. It's hard work taking a toddler on holidays. She screamed most of the 90 minute drive up there, wouldn't nap in the cot during the day, instead she slept for only 30 minutes in the car or attached to me in the carrier so I didnt get my usual 2hr midday reprieve from parenting. The first night she was up about four times due to being in a strange place and the next night she slept very well aside from deciding to start her day at 4.30am! She clung to me most of the time, scared of everything and everyone that was new and different in the holiday spot.
So I'm tired. My back aches, I need sleep and it all made me wonder how I could possible make time away from home more enjoyable. We are heading up to Wil and Megan's (Roma's donor family) farm next week, with a four hour drive each way I was getting anxious about the dreaded drive that I knew would involve Roma screaming from the backseat, while I continuously hand toys/food/water and wet wipes from the front to the back. There is usually lots of singing and praying she will sleep whilst I drive100km/hr on the highway for four hours. Not only is it stressful, but also really dangerous. I understand why Roma gets irritable in the car, its a long time for a 19 month old to stay still and strapped in.
My friend Tammy suggested the DVD player yesterday and I jumped at the chance to have a happy toddler during the drive. I bought one today along with a copy of 'Yo Gabba Gabba' and 'Dora the Explorer.' Roma loves TV and although it means more screen time, I think it is well worth the sacrifice if it means she is happy, I am calm and we are both safe on our drive to the farm.
Of course, even with the stress involved, it is still worth getting away from our ordinary lives every now and then. Roma had a great time at the Sunny Coast, she loved the beach, and would spend all day there if I let her. Initially afraid of the water, once she put her feet in she was hooked and she is always at home in the sand so she was just revelling in it. I think she will sleep well tonight, now that we are home. She is one worn out toddler!
Saturday 22 September 2012
Fear and vulnerabilities
My sister was cleaning out her bookcase the other day, trying to cull books and so I took a few home to read; one was called 'Let Me Survive' by Louise Longo. It was the true story of a woman who was the sole surviver of an incident at sea which claimed the life of her husband and six year old daughter.
I read it twice.
I couldn't get it out of my head because I could feel this womans pain and I felt so so sorry that she, that anyone, that potentially I, could endure such pain as the loss of a child. Now that I have Roma and I love her so much, I am in a very vulnerable position. If she dies, I will be in immense pain.
Problem.
I thought I had already gone through this. Is there an afterlife? Does our spirit live on after death? I was not bought up with religion, so when these questions came to me as an adolescent and young adult I looked into it and it intrigued me so much that I grew quite a passion for it. I read alot about near death experiences and it didn't take me long to make up my mind that yes, I do believe in life after death, in a God of some kind and I believe when we die our spirit lives on, in a happy plane of existence somewhere. I therefore decided I was comfortable with death. That was until now, until I stood to lose so much.
So now that my fear of death has resurfaced, I went to the library to browse for inspiration and came across a book titled 'Afterlife Encounters' by Dianne Arcangel which is a scientifically based account of many peoples interactions with loved ones that have passed away. It gave me immense hope, and reminded me of my beliefs. Beliefs that I am grateful for. I hope the Universe hasn't sent me on this quest to prepare me for something, I hope I never have to put my beliefs to the test, but if I do, I now think it will be possible for me to survive the experience, and that slightly reduces the fear and anxiety I feel; which can only be a good thing.
I read it twice.
I couldn't get it out of my head because I could feel this womans pain and I felt so so sorry that she, that anyone, that potentially I, could endure such pain as the loss of a child. Now that I have Roma and I love her so much, I am in a very vulnerable position. If she dies, I will be in immense pain.
Problem.
I thought I had already gone through this. Is there an afterlife? Does our spirit live on after death? I was not bought up with religion, so when these questions came to me as an adolescent and young adult I looked into it and it intrigued me so much that I grew quite a passion for it. I read alot about near death experiences and it didn't take me long to make up my mind that yes, I do believe in life after death, in a God of some kind and I believe when we die our spirit lives on, in a happy plane of existence somewhere. I therefore decided I was comfortable with death. That was until now, until I stood to lose so much.
So now that my fear of death has resurfaced, I went to the library to browse for inspiration and came across a book titled 'Afterlife Encounters' by Dianne Arcangel which is a scientifically based account of many peoples interactions with loved ones that have passed away. It gave me immense hope, and reminded me of my beliefs. Beliefs that I am grateful for. I hope the Universe hasn't sent me on this quest to prepare me for something, I hope I never have to put my beliefs to the test, but if I do, I now think it will be possible for me to survive the experience, and that slightly reduces the fear and anxiety I feel; which can only be a good thing.
Sunday 16 September 2012
I'm In Love!
I am so in love with Roma!
I have that addicted feeling like I had in the past with partners, I just want to kiss her all the time and not stop kissing her. I can't stand to be away from her for too long, I take so many photos and I'm just so amazed and proud of her every day.
I love looking at her, I love that I can look at her and she looks at me and doesn't turn away. She hasn't learnt the social etiquette that dictates we shouldn't look at one another for too long; so she allows me to look at her, in the eye for a long time and she smiles. I think that's why we love looking at our partners when they sleep, cause when they are asleep we don't have to take our eyes off them, we are allowed to gaze.
I love gazing, I could gaze all day at her beautiful face. And her voice, oh she has the sweetest little voice. She babbles this baby language that only she understands and she sings in that language too, the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I want to capture it and hear it every day for the rest of my life. She is 19 months old now and when I have her on my hip she has just started doing this thing where she lightly holds my face with both her hands and turns me to face her and then she just looks at me and smiles. It is oh so cute, so tender and so lovely.
This love, makes me feel so vulnerable. I know that the stronger and more wonderful it is, the stronger the pain will be when/if she is taken away. I dread that she be taken away but I know one day she wont be as physically close to me. She could move to Europe when she is 18, have an argument with me when she is 15 and decide not to talk to me for ages, or heaven forbid she could pass away before I do. It could happen and it would break my heart into so many pieces it would never repair. I know I will need to let her go once she's older, and I will; but right now I'm holding on tight and devouring this little girl and everything she brings into my life.
I have that addicted feeling like I had in the past with partners, I just want to kiss her all the time and not stop kissing her. I can't stand to be away from her for too long, I take so many photos and I'm just so amazed and proud of her every day.
I love looking at her, I love that I can look at her and she looks at me and doesn't turn away. She hasn't learnt the social etiquette that dictates we shouldn't look at one another for too long; so she allows me to look at her, in the eye for a long time and she smiles. I think that's why we love looking at our partners when they sleep, cause when they are asleep we don't have to take our eyes off them, we are allowed to gaze.
I love gazing, I could gaze all day at her beautiful face. And her voice, oh she has the sweetest little voice. She babbles this baby language that only she understands and she sings in that language too, the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I want to capture it and hear it every day for the rest of my life. She is 19 months old now and when I have her on my hip she has just started doing this thing where she lightly holds my face with both her hands and turns me to face her and then she just looks at me and smiles. It is oh so cute, so tender and so lovely.
This love, makes me feel so vulnerable. I know that the stronger and more wonderful it is, the stronger the pain will be when/if she is taken away. I dread that she be taken away but I know one day she wont be as physically close to me. She could move to Europe when she is 18, have an argument with me when she is 15 and decide not to talk to me for ages, or heaven forbid she could pass away before I do. It could happen and it would break my heart into so many pieces it would never repair. I know I will need to let her go once she's older, and I will; but right now I'm holding on tight and devouring this little girl and everything she brings into my life.
Friday 14 September 2012
Change
I work for Queensland Health.
After the State Government's announcement this week that they were cutting 14,000 jobs in the public service, like many of their employees I spent the week on my best behaviour, scrutinising every whisper I saw my boss make and jumping everytime she called my name...for fear I would be pulled into her office where the word 'redundant' would leave her lips and life as I knew it would fall apart. That didn't happen; hasn't happened yet but the thought of it has had me considering what I would do if I lost my job.
I don't like change, especially when things are going splendidly as they are. My job is wonderful, it fits in perfectly with my role as a mother and I know the job like the back of my hand so it is not difficult most of the time. I can go to work, do my time and then come home and focus on raising Roma. Queensland Heath is a wonderful organisation for accomodating women when they return to work following the birth of a child. My boss has allowed me to reduce my hours from full-time to only 2 days per week until Roma is in school, whilst also allowing me to switch to day shifts instead of shift work which would have had me working up until midnight some days.
This flexibility has allowed me to pop Roma into regular family day care which she loves and is thriving in. However more change is expected there soon.
Roma's wonderful, amazing family day carer Lou told me on Thursday that she has decided to resign and it bought me to tears. Roma loves her, I love her and Roma has only just started saying her name 'Lou Lou,' it is so sweet and she really is quite attached to her carer. Lou Lou was perfect for Roma, fully of energy and always stimulating her, encouraging her and providing her with new toys and activities. Now she will be leaving and I am yet to find out who her replacement is.
Thankfully her day care arrangement works slightly differently to the norm and Lou is actually contracted from another woman who oversees the care. So that means for us, Roma still keeps her child care place and will still be cared for in the same home but Lou will move out and someone else will move in. I just hope she is as wonderful as Lou and that Roma bonds to her just as easily. One of the things...let me rephrase that...the biggest thing that makes me happy to go off to work each day is the knowledge that Roma is safe, happy and loved in her daycare home, without that feeling of contentment, I certainly would not be able to do my job as well as I do.
So thank you Lou for being wonderful and for caring for Roma so well, you will be missed. And although I resist, I know I will have to get used to the change
After the State Government's announcement this week that they were cutting 14,000 jobs in the public service, like many of their employees I spent the week on my best behaviour, scrutinising every whisper I saw my boss make and jumping everytime she called my name...for fear I would be pulled into her office where the word 'redundant' would leave her lips and life as I knew it would fall apart. That didn't happen; hasn't happened yet but the thought of it has had me considering what I would do if I lost my job.
I don't like change, especially when things are going splendidly as they are. My job is wonderful, it fits in perfectly with my role as a mother and I know the job like the back of my hand so it is not difficult most of the time. I can go to work, do my time and then come home and focus on raising Roma. Queensland Heath is a wonderful organisation for accomodating women when they return to work following the birth of a child. My boss has allowed me to reduce my hours from full-time to only 2 days per week until Roma is in school, whilst also allowing me to switch to day shifts instead of shift work which would have had me working up until midnight some days.
This flexibility has allowed me to pop Roma into regular family day care which she loves and is thriving in. However more change is expected there soon.
Roma's wonderful, amazing family day carer Lou told me on Thursday that she has decided to resign and it bought me to tears. Roma loves her, I love her and Roma has only just started saying her name 'Lou Lou,' it is so sweet and she really is quite attached to her carer. Lou Lou was perfect for Roma, fully of energy and always stimulating her, encouraging her and providing her with new toys and activities. Now she will be leaving and I am yet to find out who her replacement is.
Thankfully her day care arrangement works slightly differently to the norm and Lou is actually contracted from another woman who oversees the care. So that means for us, Roma still keeps her child care place and will still be cared for in the same home but Lou will move out and someone else will move in. I just hope she is as wonderful as Lou and that Roma bonds to her just as easily. One of the things...let me rephrase that...the biggest thing that makes me happy to go off to work each day is the knowledge that Roma is safe, happy and loved in her daycare home, without that feeling of contentment, I certainly would not be able to do my job as well as I do.
So thank you Lou for being wonderful and for caring for Roma so well, you will be missed. And although I resist, I know I will have to get used to the change
Wednesday 5 September 2012
Relinquishing the seed
Should I have another baby?
Every six months the fertility clinic sends me an invoice for $225 to store the 11 vials of my donor's sperm that I have left. Since the last payment I have been considering whether I want to continue keeping the sperm, or let it go. It comes down to whether I think I will need it.
Which brings me to the question, do I want another baby?
At the moment, the answer is no, I have my hands full with Roma so do not think I would be able to give two children, the same level of time and patience I give to Roma. Plus, I don't feel the desire, or urge for another child, like I did for Roma. She gives me all the joy and love I hoped for, so there's no hole to fill anymore.
Yes, it would be beneficial for her to have a sibling to play with but I think the fact that I will be spending more quality time with Roma during her childhood, because she is an only child will be beneficial too. So I guess I have made up my mind, but still, it is hard to sign the paperwork to relinquish the seed. What if I change my mind? What if I get the urge again? This is possible, but thankfully I have Roma's donor in our lives, alive and willing to donate again if need be. So there's no real risk...but still, by signing that paperwork, I am taking a step, making a choice not to have anymore.
I wish I could transfer the vials to someone else, and I asked the clinic if I could do this, but it seems I cannot because they have identifying information on them. Because we conceived under a known donor arrangement, they could only be used with someone under the same arrangement.
A part of me is sad that I will probably not see Roma playing with a sister or brother one day, she loves other children. However since Roma was conceived, her donor has donated again to another clinic as an ID release donor, and since doing so has given life to 3 girls and 2 boys, so perhaps one day I will see my vision become reality after all.
Every six months the fertility clinic sends me an invoice for $225 to store the 11 vials of my donor's sperm that I have left. Since the last payment I have been considering whether I want to continue keeping the sperm, or let it go. It comes down to whether I think I will need it.
Which brings me to the question, do I want another baby?
At the moment, the answer is no, I have my hands full with Roma so do not think I would be able to give two children, the same level of time and patience I give to Roma. Plus, I don't feel the desire, or urge for another child, like I did for Roma. She gives me all the joy and love I hoped for, so there's no hole to fill anymore.
Yes, it would be beneficial for her to have a sibling to play with but I think the fact that I will be spending more quality time with Roma during her childhood, because she is an only child will be beneficial too. So I guess I have made up my mind, but still, it is hard to sign the paperwork to relinquish the seed. What if I change my mind? What if I get the urge again? This is possible, but thankfully I have Roma's donor in our lives, alive and willing to donate again if need be. So there's no real risk...but still, by signing that paperwork, I am taking a step, making a choice not to have anymore.
I wish I could transfer the vials to someone else, and I asked the clinic if I could do this, but it seems I cannot because they have identifying information on them. Because we conceived under a known donor arrangement, they could only be used with someone under the same arrangement.
A part of me is sad that I will probably not see Roma playing with a sister or brother one day, she loves other children. However since Roma was conceived, her donor has donated again to another clinic as an ID release donor, and since doing so has given life to 3 girls and 2 boys, so perhaps one day I will see my vision become reality after all.
Monday 3 September 2012
Where to from here??
The aftermath of being on television has been both uplifting and dissapointing as Wil, Megan and I have received both positive and negative feedback from the 60 Minutes article. The vast majority of feedback I have received has been exceedingly positive and I am so glad that we have been able to touch so many. A lot of support has come from the SMC community which i am very thankful for, it seems many were bought to tears by my story - due in part I think to their ability to empathise with me as our journeys are bound to be similar. Although any mother that sees another mother in tears at the thought of how much love their child brings to their lives is likely to shed a tear, I think. The 60 minutes facebook page also had about 250 comments about the show, largely positive and family and friends have also been extremely supportive.
A transcript of the online chat i took part in after the show is now available online and i was able to read over my responses for the first time. I acutely remember the one now dubbed 'the Ryan question' as it was the only critical one to make it past the moderator. The moderator told me i didn't have to answer it but i wanted to. I especially want to help the critics understand why I decided this path for myself and my family. I am quite chuffed with my response, I think I nailed it!
Megan had one young girl she teaches, come up to her for a hug telling Megan that she is an inspiration and Wil had a teenage boy tell him, he too would like to donate sperm some day. Kids can be so sweet. However they have both also been subject to critisism in their small town and I feel for them. Some adults are not as open minded as the children. They are very strong people so I'm sure they will brush it off but I do feel a sense of responsibility for asking them to take part in the program in the first place. The very very last thing I want to do is be responsible for bringing them any pain.
Emma's freespermdonations.com website has received an influx of new donors, thanks to the story which is fantastic news. Many of them are married men, who after discussing it with their wives, decided it was something they would like to do. Well done to Wil and Megan for showing Australia that sperm donors are largely just ordinary Aussie guys who like to make a difference, and that they too can benefit from donating sperm.
A reporter from a newspaper of a nearby town has requested an interview with me and although initially enthusiastic I am feeling a bit cautious about where it is all heading. How far do I persue this? Do I want to be the face of donor conception? Do I want Roma to be? Someone has to do it, I know, but I do like my privacy and the spotlight is certainly not something I crave.
Due to the American couples participation in the 60 minutes story, it could be aired in the US, and I am waiting to hear now whether that will occur.
I have some thinking to do...
A transcript of the online chat i took part in after the show is now available online and i was able to read over my responses for the first time. I acutely remember the one now dubbed 'the Ryan question' as it was the only critical one to make it past the moderator. The moderator told me i didn't have to answer it but i wanted to. I especially want to help the critics understand why I decided this path for myself and my family. I am quite chuffed with my response, I think I nailed it!
Megan had one young girl she teaches, come up to her for a hug telling Megan that she is an inspiration and Wil had a teenage boy tell him, he too would like to donate sperm some day. Kids can be so sweet. However they have both also been subject to critisism in their small town and I feel for them. Some adults are not as open minded as the children. They are very strong people so I'm sure they will brush it off but I do feel a sense of responsibility for asking them to take part in the program in the first place. The very very last thing I want to do is be responsible for bringing them any pain.
Emma's freespermdonations.com website has received an influx of new donors, thanks to the story which is fantastic news. Many of them are married men, who after discussing it with their wives, decided it was something they would like to do. Well done to Wil and Megan for showing Australia that sperm donors are largely just ordinary Aussie guys who like to make a difference, and that they too can benefit from donating sperm.
A reporter from a newspaper of a nearby town has requested an interview with me and although initially enthusiastic I am feeling a bit cautious about where it is all heading. How far do I persue this? Do I want to be the face of donor conception? Do I want Roma to be? Someone has to do it, I know, but I do like my privacy and the spotlight is certainly not something I crave.
Due to the American couples participation in the 60 minutes story, it could be aired in the US, and I am waiting to hear now whether that will occur.
I have some thinking to do...
Sunday 2 September 2012
Success on 60 Minutes!
Well, that was a resounding success!
Our story aired on 60 Minutes last night as I clutched the edge of my seat for quarter of an hour surrounded by my best friend, family, wine, chocolate and my mobile phone! Roma stayed up for the occasion and recognised herself, Wil, Megan and I on TV and was bouncing up and down with excitement. My parents, sisters and friend all screamed when my face appeared on the screen and the cheering didnt stop for the whole segment. They were proud of me for being brave enough to tell our story and I was also proud of Wil and Megans involvement. We all did a wonderful job :)
Overall I am really pleased with how we were all presented and portrayed, we all spoke well and the message we were trying to get across reached its target. A shame the book wasn't mentioned within the story and that none of the cute footage taken of Wil cuddling Roma made it to air, but aside from that I will say a job well done to the 60 Minutes team.
After it ended I promptly put Roma to bed before heading behind closed doors to take part in the online chat. Nerves and a pulsating headache didn't stop me from regurgitating everything I could think of to inspire and inform the fellow chatterers about everything from how much it cost to where to start the process. There was only really one 'hairy' question that I needed to word carefully but for the most part people were eager to know more information so they too can have a child through donor conception.
I am really glad to have been given the opportunity to reach so many people and I am sure babies will be born as a result.
The full story is available to view on the 60 Minutes website here http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8525349 and the online chat transcript after the show can be seen here http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8526498
My awesome sister has put together a youtube video to help promote the book, and the message, it can be seen here http://youtu.be/Hn37jRZ-Th4
Our story aired on 60 Minutes last night as I clutched the edge of my seat for quarter of an hour surrounded by my best friend, family, wine, chocolate and my mobile phone! Roma stayed up for the occasion and recognised herself, Wil, Megan and I on TV and was bouncing up and down with excitement. My parents, sisters and friend all screamed when my face appeared on the screen and the cheering didnt stop for the whole segment. They were proud of me for being brave enough to tell our story and I was also proud of Wil and Megans involvement. We all did a wonderful job :)
Overall I am really pleased with how we were all presented and portrayed, we all spoke well and the message we were trying to get across reached its target. A shame the book wasn't mentioned within the story and that none of the cute footage taken of Wil cuddling Roma made it to air, but aside from that I will say a job well done to the 60 Minutes team.
After it ended I promptly put Roma to bed before heading behind closed doors to take part in the online chat. Nerves and a pulsating headache didn't stop me from regurgitating everything I could think of to inspire and inform the fellow chatterers about everything from how much it cost to where to start the process. There was only really one 'hairy' question that I needed to word carefully but for the most part people were eager to know more information so they too can have a child through donor conception.
I am really glad to have been given the opportunity to reach so many people and I am sure babies will be born as a result.
The full story is available to view on the 60 Minutes website here http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8525349 and the online chat transcript after the show can be seen here http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8526498
My awesome sister has put together a youtube video to help promote the book, and the message, it can be seen here http://youtu.be/Hn37jRZ-Th4
Friday 31 August 2012
It's all coming together
Well things are starting to be put into place for our 60 minutes story this Sunday night. The 60 minutes website has a small written preview of the story http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8525349 with a link to our book at the bottom of the page :)
Also my photo is up on their chatroom page in preparation for the online chat happening after the show http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/chat/629143/60-minutes-chat-room
My parents and siblings and I are going to watch the show together at my sisters house, so it should be an exciting (and nerve wracking and busy) night!
I'm looking forward to it though and hope everyone can tune in to see Roma's first TV appearance and help support the SMC choice :)
Also my photo is up on their chatroom page in preparation for the online chat happening after the show http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/chat/629143/60-minutes-chat-room
My parents and siblings and I are going to watch the show together at my sisters house, so it should be an exciting (and nerve wracking and busy) night!
I'm looking forward to it though and hope everyone can tune in to see Roma's first TV appearance and help support the SMC choice :)
Wednesday 29 August 2012
60 Minutes!
After months of preparation, days of filming and now weeks of waiting, I can now finally reveal that Roma, her sperm donor Wil, his wife Megan and I are going to be featured in a 60 minutes article this sunday night, 2nd September at 7.30pm on channel 9.
The article is about known sperm donor families and how the choice is increasing in its popularity here and in the US.
We did the filming over a month ago, before the Olympics, and its now all edited and ready to air!
Yikes! I'm excited and nervous and can't wait to see the finished product!
I'm hoping it will bring the issue to dinner tables all over Australia and in doing so will make it a more understood option for women. I hope to reduce whatever remaining stigma there is attached to sperm donation and allow people to realise that it is a very real option to creating a happy, stable family. The 60 minutes team are going to put a link to my book on their website and I will be on the online chat after the story airs.
The article is about known sperm donor families and how the choice is increasing in its popularity here and in the US.
We did the filming over a month ago, before the Olympics, and its now all edited and ready to air!
Yikes! I'm excited and nervous and can't wait to see the finished product!
I'm hoping it will bring the issue to dinner tables all over Australia and in doing so will make it a more understood option for women. I hope to reduce whatever remaining stigma there is attached to sperm donation and allow people to realise that it is a very real option to creating a happy, stable family. The 60 minutes team are going to put a link to my book on their website and I will be on the online chat after the story airs.
Friday 24 August 2012
Teeth
Teeth.
I have taken them for granted for so many years, too long it seems. This week I was reminded how valuable my teeth are, how precious they are and how easily they can be lost. As a consequence I now value Roma's teeth alot more too.
I never really went to the dentist as a child, I vaguely remember the primary school dental van but I never went in high school. My parents had false teeth from their early twenties so they never went to the dentist either. So I was not taught about the importance of going to the dentist, I knew thoeretically I was supposed to go to the dentist every 6 months, but I assumed that was just for rich people or people who had teeth problems, I never had any pain or felt any holes, so why waste my money?
Then the other day i felt a little hole, and then a crack and then one morning a whole chunk of my molar fell out. I panicked and called a dentist. So along I went and had it filled during a terrible ordeal that i don't think i will repeat only to say that i am never going to that dentist again. But it was through that experience I decided to get a full clean and check (with another dentist). This dentist was much more polite and pleasant and he explained to me how decay forms and how it can go unoticed for years before it is too late and he removed a stain from my front teeth i thought was permanent, that i had since i was a child. Luckily i had no other decay (I put that down to the fact that i dont drink soft drink) and afterwards i had a new respect for dental care. The dentist also taught me how to ensure Roma's teeth are taken care of and she isn't afraid of the dentist, advice which i am going to take up.
Coincidentally my sister has recently also gone to a dentist after years of neglecting her teeth (as I had). She has to have 3 removed, and replaced with permanent false teeth costing $15,000. With an 11 month old baby, and her husbands single income it is money she doesnt have. So what now? That is up to her to decide and i thank my lucky stars i dont have the same dilemma. I am going to make sure Roma never has to face that dilemma either.
I have taken them for granted for so many years, too long it seems. This week I was reminded how valuable my teeth are, how precious they are and how easily they can be lost. As a consequence I now value Roma's teeth alot more too.
I never really went to the dentist as a child, I vaguely remember the primary school dental van but I never went in high school. My parents had false teeth from their early twenties so they never went to the dentist either. So I was not taught about the importance of going to the dentist, I knew thoeretically I was supposed to go to the dentist every 6 months, but I assumed that was just for rich people or people who had teeth problems, I never had any pain or felt any holes, so why waste my money?
Then the other day i felt a little hole, and then a crack and then one morning a whole chunk of my molar fell out. I panicked and called a dentist. So along I went and had it filled during a terrible ordeal that i don't think i will repeat only to say that i am never going to that dentist again. But it was through that experience I decided to get a full clean and check (with another dentist). This dentist was much more polite and pleasant and he explained to me how decay forms and how it can go unoticed for years before it is too late and he removed a stain from my front teeth i thought was permanent, that i had since i was a child. Luckily i had no other decay (I put that down to the fact that i dont drink soft drink) and afterwards i had a new respect for dental care. The dentist also taught me how to ensure Roma's teeth are taken care of and she isn't afraid of the dentist, advice which i am going to take up.
Coincidentally my sister has recently also gone to a dentist after years of neglecting her teeth (as I had). She has to have 3 removed, and replaced with permanent false teeth costing $15,000. With an 11 month old baby, and her husbands single income it is money she doesnt have. So what now? That is up to her to decide and i thank my lucky stars i dont have the same dilemma. I am going to make sure Roma never has to face that dilemma either.
Sunday 19 August 2012
Completely weaned and sleeping through
I never thought i would write that title. Sleeping through? As if! But hooray, Roma is in fact sleeping through! She turned 18 months old the week before last and after no luck with the Elizabeth Pantly method of night weaning i decided to go cold turkey and it went surprisingly well.
Roma only protested for about 10 minutes, one to three times a night for only 3 nights, before she accepted that booby was 'all done' and snuggled in for a cuddle instead. A few nights later she slept through. She sleeps through about 50% of the time now, and waking only once on the other nights for a drink of water and a cuddle.
It was the night weaning that did it. That and a 'rainshower' white noise MP3 and we are both getting alot more sleep. Then 3 days ago i thought i would try not breastfeeding her before bed too, and she still went to sleep. And again the next night too, and the next. So before i knew it, our breastfeeding journey was over. I am a little sad, but it had to end sometime and the benefits of more sleep for both of us are worth it. I feel like i have given her little body a great start in life, all that good booby milk for 18 months will benefit her her entire life.
She is such a happy little girl, even more so now as i think those few extra hours of sleep each night have really made a difference to her mood. Her talking has also increased since the magic 18 month mark, she says about 10 words now and babbles constantly in her baby gibberish, she copies me alot more now too. She's growing up. I love it, i love that she is getting older, the older she gets the more of her personality i get to see, the easier she is to care for, the more interactive she is, the more she enjoys life. I took her to the Ekka yesterday and although she was scared of alot of the people dressed up in animal outfits, loud music and clown games, she had a ball at the animal nursery and fashion show (believe it or not...she loved it, she is such a girly girl). Roma's first Ekka :) She got a Dolly-kins showbag with a little dolly and carrier inside amongst other things. she loves dolls, such a little mother she is.
Roma only protested for about 10 minutes, one to three times a night for only 3 nights, before she accepted that booby was 'all done' and snuggled in for a cuddle instead. A few nights later she slept through. She sleeps through about 50% of the time now, and waking only once on the other nights for a drink of water and a cuddle.
It was the night weaning that did it. That and a 'rainshower' white noise MP3 and we are both getting alot more sleep. Then 3 days ago i thought i would try not breastfeeding her before bed too, and she still went to sleep. And again the next night too, and the next. So before i knew it, our breastfeeding journey was over. I am a little sad, but it had to end sometime and the benefits of more sleep for both of us are worth it. I feel like i have given her little body a great start in life, all that good booby milk for 18 months will benefit her her entire life.
She is such a happy little girl, even more so now as i think those few extra hours of sleep each night have really made a difference to her mood. Her talking has also increased since the magic 18 month mark, she says about 10 words now and babbles constantly in her baby gibberish, she copies me alot more now too. She's growing up. I love it, i love that she is getting older, the older she gets the more of her personality i get to see, the easier she is to care for, the more interactive she is, the more she enjoys life. I took her to the Ekka yesterday and although she was scared of alot of the people dressed up in animal outfits, loud music and clown games, she had a ball at the animal nursery and fashion show (believe it or not...she loved it, she is such a girly girl). Roma's first Ekka :) She got a Dolly-kins showbag with a little dolly and carrier inside amongst other things. she loves dolls, such a little mother she is.
Friday 3 August 2012
Gratitude
Can I change the theme of this blog? It started out to promote my book and the SMC lifestyle, then it changed to social expectation and now i feel an urge to promote gratitude. Gratitude may well be the key to happiness. During Roma's nap today I watched a re-run of the TV program 4 Corners and the article was about domestic violence in Australia. It told the story of two women who had been killed by their partners, leaving their children behind. When it ended I flicked over to Foreign Correspondent and it told me of people with gaming addictions in South Korea and the murders that had occured as a result.
Then Roma woke up.
My beautiful, healthy, lovable toddler woke up. I was able to take her into my arms for a big warm 'just woke up' cuddle feeling safe, happy and loved. I feel privelidged to be able to provide her with a happy, loving, stable, safe home. We are fortunate enough to have been born into this free, wealthy nation and I have options and resources some others would only dream about. In that moment I felt extreme gratitude not only for what I have but for what I don't have to endure.
Then Roma woke up.
My beautiful, healthy, lovable toddler woke up. I was able to take her into my arms for a big warm 'just woke up' cuddle feeling safe, happy and loved. I feel privelidged to be able to provide her with a happy, loving, stable, safe home. We are fortunate enough to have been born into this free, wealthy nation and I have options and resources some others would only dream about. In that moment I felt extreme gratitude not only for what I have but for what I don't have to endure.
Monday 30 July 2012
Blessed Are We
Last week I was reminded how lucky I am. Lucky to be a mother, to be a single mother and to be an Australian. I was talking to a woman at work who is from India and she was telling me how she would be reunited with her daughter soon (she is only one year older than Roma).
Almost a year ago it was decided that the little toddler should go and live with her grandparents in India because my colleague needed to return to full-time work and her husband and his parents did not think she should be in a childcare centre five days per week, she would be better off with her grandparents in India. Sounds good in theory but this meant her mother would not see her for a year. Before our conversation last week I knew that her daughter was in India but I assumed it was what she wanted, part of her culture, the way they do things over there etcetera, but then I found out that it was not what she wanted. She had protested and fought to keep her daughter here with her, but, 'As an Indian woman, it was not up to me,' as she put it. How completely devastating!
So then she grieved, and ached, missing her daughter's body beside her in bed each night for a full year before she could be reunited.
So many questions went through my mind, what if her daughter doesnt remember her? what will happen to their bond? their attachment? will she ever regain that special place in her daughters heart again? And then I got angry. How dare her husband make such a decision without her approval. How dare her in-laws have such control over her child and her relationship with her child. I thought they should all be thrown in jail for kidnapping. And then I felt grateful. Grateful that I have complete control to make all the decisions with Roma, I don't have anyone trying to take her away from me, she stays with me almost all of the time and i wouldnt have it any other way. But some people are not so fortunate, and it breaks my heart. As a mother I can imagine the pain they must feel every day and it breaks my heart.
Almost a year ago it was decided that the little toddler should go and live with her grandparents in India because my colleague needed to return to full-time work and her husband and his parents did not think she should be in a childcare centre five days per week, she would be better off with her grandparents in India. Sounds good in theory but this meant her mother would not see her for a year. Before our conversation last week I knew that her daughter was in India but I assumed it was what she wanted, part of her culture, the way they do things over there etcetera, but then I found out that it was not what she wanted. She had protested and fought to keep her daughter here with her, but, 'As an Indian woman, it was not up to me,' as she put it. How completely devastating!
So then she grieved, and ached, missing her daughter's body beside her in bed each night for a full year before she could be reunited.
So many questions went through my mind, what if her daughter doesnt remember her? what will happen to their bond? their attachment? will she ever regain that special place in her daughters heart again? And then I got angry. How dare her husband make such a decision without her approval. How dare her in-laws have such control over her child and her relationship with her child. I thought they should all be thrown in jail for kidnapping. And then I felt grateful. Grateful that I have complete control to make all the decisions with Roma, I don't have anyone trying to take her away from me, she stays with me almost all of the time and i wouldnt have it any other way. But some people are not so fortunate, and it breaks my heart. As a mother I can imagine the pain they must feel every day and it breaks my heart.
Sunday 15 July 2012
Aren't parks awesome?
One of the best things about living in a big city is the great quality of kids playgrounds within a few minutes drive from my home. Roma and I discovered New Farm park yesterday and i was amazed and in awe. It was so huge, playgrounds built around the fig trees, spinning seats, musical stations, swings, slides and plenty of grass to run around on. I did my best to wear Roma out and she slept 11 hours that night! They are just as good, if not better than the costly indoor play centres, they are free and with Queensland weather allowing sunshine even in winter, they are a no-brainer way to entertain the littlies. The quality and variety have improved dramatically since i was a child, it makes me remember again just how lucky Roma is.
Sunday 8 July 2012
Imperfection is Perfection
'Did your child get enough Omega 3 today?'
That was a marketing statement I read in a magazine a few days ago. Can you believe that? Enough omega 3? Talk about pressure. If I was a perfect parent then yes, my child would have willingly eaten her serve of fresh fish, washed down with 250ml of milk (for calcium), followed by 4 segments of mandarin (for vitamin C), 8 spinach leaves (for folic acid and fibre), one piece of wholemeal toast spread with organic peanut butter (for fibre, carbohydrates and protein) etc etc etc, you get the picture. Not only that, but she would have participated in 4 hours physical activity, slept for 12 hours uninterrupted at night, napped for 2 hours during the day, engaged with me one on one for most of the day, had social play with other toddlers her age for 2 hours per day etc. And thats just Roma not to mention my own needs.
The message we get from society (which primarily stems from marketing agents and the media) is that all these things and more are essential to have a healthy, happy family; however they are conflicting messages. I cannot engage with Roma one-on-one and also prepare her fresh fish. I cannot force her to eat the healthy foods required to give her all the vitamins and minerals etc she 'needs.' I cannot get my half an hour of exercise, whilst also ensuring she gets her 2 hour nap. I can't do everything. I'ts impossible and its not because i am a single parent it is because i am human and the social expectations are too high. I, as a perfectionist succumb to these expectations all too often, I want to be the perfect parent, I want to have a healthy child, I want her to grow up happy and well adjusted but experts actually warn against this. Striving to be a perfect parent is actually seen as a negative, because your child doesn't learn that its ok to make mistakes, she gets unrealistically high expectations of herself too and ends up with the same anxieties I have. So in a nutshell, being imperfect is what we should strive for and accept. Being imperfect is, perfect.
That was a marketing statement I read in a magazine a few days ago. Can you believe that? Enough omega 3? Talk about pressure. If I was a perfect parent then yes, my child would have willingly eaten her serve of fresh fish, washed down with 250ml of milk (for calcium), followed by 4 segments of mandarin (for vitamin C), 8 spinach leaves (for folic acid and fibre), one piece of wholemeal toast spread with organic peanut butter (for fibre, carbohydrates and protein) etc etc etc, you get the picture. Not only that, but she would have participated in 4 hours physical activity, slept for 12 hours uninterrupted at night, napped for 2 hours during the day, engaged with me one on one for most of the day, had social play with other toddlers her age for 2 hours per day etc. And thats just Roma not to mention my own needs.
The message we get from society (which primarily stems from marketing agents and the media) is that all these things and more are essential to have a healthy, happy family; however they are conflicting messages. I cannot engage with Roma one-on-one and also prepare her fresh fish. I cannot force her to eat the healthy foods required to give her all the vitamins and minerals etc she 'needs.' I cannot get my half an hour of exercise, whilst also ensuring she gets her 2 hour nap. I can't do everything. I'ts impossible and its not because i am a single parent it is because i am human and the social expectations are too high. I, as a perfectionist succumb to these expectations all too often, I want to be the perfect parent, I want to have a healthy child, I want her to grow up happy and well adjusted but experts actually warn against this. Striving to be a perfect parent is actually seen as a negative, because your child doesn't learn that its ok to make mistakes, she gets unrealistically high expectations of herself too and ends up with the same anxieties I have. So in a nutshell, being imperfect is what we should strive for and accept. Being imperfect is, perfect.
Saturday 7 July 2012
Sleep
Ahhh, sleep.
That activity I used to take so much for granted. I am finding myself yet again turning to Mr. Google to seek to understand why my little munchkin desires so strongly to attach to my boob for hours at a time in the middle of the night and why she does not seem to understand that mummy needs sleep too. Is she hungry? Is it separation anxiety? A sleep association?
I'm going for the latter at the moment and trialling a new technique I read about in one of Elizabeth Pantly's books. Put her on the boob, then take her off before she falls asleep and when she cries cause she wants to go back on, then put her back on and then 10 seconds later take her off again until eventually she accepts being off and doesnt cry, then hold her until she is asleep and then place her in the cot, hope she doesnt wake up and creep out of the room, ever so quietly and slowly. One false move could mean I have to start all over again. Sounds elaborate but its not much more than what I am enduring already and it does give me some hope of a better nights sleep in hopefully the not too distant future.
Roma has always had difficulty sleeping. I feel like we have experienced every possible problem already, we did the Government approved version of controlled crying when she was 3 months old, we tried co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, feeding to sleep, dummies, blankies, carefully temperature controlled environments, different blanket options etc. She never sleeps thorugh the night but we usually find a happy middle ground somewhere between 6 wakings a night and one 1 hour wake per night. If its manageable for me then I will let it be. I hoped she would grow out of it and just start weaning herself and sleeping through on her own but alas, i do not think that is going to happen.
So now, its up to Elizabeth Pantly and I to see how we go.
That activity I used to take so much for granted. I am finding myself yet again turning to Mr. Google to seek to understand why my little munchkin desires so strongly to attach to my boob for hours at a time in the middle of the night and why she does not seem to understand that mummy needs sleep too. Is she hungry? Is it separation anxiety? A sleep association?
I'm going for the latter at the moment and trialling a new technique I read about in one of Elizabeth Pantly's books. Put her on the boob, then take her off before she falls asleep and when she cries cause she wants to go back on, then put her back on and then 10 seconds later take her off again until eventually she accepts being off and doesnt cry, then hold her until she is asleep and then place her in the cot, hope she doesnt wake up and creep out of the room, ever so quietly and slowly. One false move could mean I have to start all over again. Sounds elaborate but its not much more than what I am enduring already and it does give me some hope of a better nights sleep in hopefully the not too distant future.
Roma has always had difficulty sleeping. I feel like we have experienced every possible problem already, we did the Government approved version of controlled crying when she was 3 months old, we tried co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, feeding to sleep, dummies, blankies, carefully temperature controlled environments, different blanket options etc. She never sleeps thorugh the night but we usually find a happy middle ground somewhere between 6 wakings a night and one 1 hour wake per night. If its manageable for me then I will let it be. I hoped she would grow out of it and just start weaning herself and sleeping through on her own but alas, i do not think that is going to happen.
So now, its up to Elizabeth Pantly and I to see how we go.
Still seeking Mr. Right
I thought the desire for a partner would dwindle once I had a child. I thought i would be too busy, too tired and too distracted to make it a priority. I thought I would receive all the love and companionship i needed through my child. But that doesnt seem to be the case. I'm back on teh dating scene and have just suffered my first rejection. I will call him 'the mechanic.' The mechanic ticked all the boxes, was great with Roma, nice genuine down to earth guy, was seeing him for about 2 months until Thursday. 'No spark' he said. Fair enough, I didnt exactly feel fireworks going off either but figured i would give it time. I am dissapointed and it has heightened me feelings of need in that area of my life. I had grand expectations of the mecanic and now they have been taken away there is a bit of a hole remaining. A lack. How do you find that chemistry, that spark, that click, when Internet dating? The instant attraction and flirtation that otherwise happens doesnt because you are meeting up with someone because they tick the boxes not because they send your heart a flutter or you cant get enough of their conversation...or aftershave. So where to from here? I think i will try again, I'm thinking of it as a numbers game. The more men i meet, the more likely i will find chemistry and all the goosebumps that come with it.
Saturday 16 June 2012
Advanced?
So...the intention was that i would write in this blog regularly as an outlet for the ups and downs of life with Roma. But to be honest, life is too busy!
But on the occasion that something out of the ordinary happens then I feel the urge to write and make it a priority. So here I am, Roma has just gone to sleep for the night (or for the next 2 hours at least anyway, before she wakes up wanting another booby feed....i know i know, she shouldnt need night feeds at her age, but hey, if theres one thing i have learnt through my motherhood journey so far, its been to do whatever works).
I was having a conversation with Roma's family day carer about her abilities and we both agreed she seems quite advanced for her age. I hesitate to write this because i know everyone seems to think their child is advanced and special etc, and i am keenly aware of my inevitable parental bias, however...when her carer had the same opinion, thats when i started to think seriously about it. She's 16 months old now and although she doesnt talk yet, only says 'car' and 'mama,' she loves looking at books, always has, turns the pages easily, stands on tippee toes, spins around in circles, always wants me to read to her, plays pretend with her dolly, feeding and putting to bed etc, brings toys over to other babies when they cry, focused on a particular TV show when she was 5 months, has always been described by strangers and everyone as alert, ever since she was a few weeks old thats all I've heard alert, alert, alert, so...stay tuned for how that develops over time. I'm hoping she's intelligent but not a genius, not that i get a choice, but from what i have read genius children can be very difficult, and have huge emotional, behavioural and social problems and are a constant challenge for their parents, not something i particularly want to handle, and i dont think i will have to, i think she's just bright. Anyway, Roma's awake, her first wake-up for the night, (its usually between 2-5 wakes per night, argh) so i better go
But on the occasion that something out of the ordinary happens then I feel the urge to write and make it a priority. So here I am, Roma has just gone to sleep for the night (or for the next 2 hours at least anyway, before she wakes up wanting another booby feed....i know i know, she shouldnt need night feeds at her age, but hey, if theres one thing i have learnt through my motherhood journey so far, its been to do whatever works).
I was having a conversation with Roma's family day carer about her abilities and we both agreed she seems quite advanced for her age. I hesitate to write this because i know everyone seems to think their child is advanced and special etc, and i am keenly aware of my inevitable parental bias, however...when her carer had the same opinion, thats when i started to think seriously about it. She's 16 months old now and although she doesnt talk yet, only says 'car' and 'mama,' she loves looking at books, always has, turns the pages easily, stands on tippee toes, spins around in circles, always wants me to read to her, plays pretend with her dolly, feeding and putting to bed etc, brings toys over to other babies when they cry, focused on a particular TV show when she was 5 months, has always been described by strangers and everyone as alert, ever since she was a few weeks old thats all I've heard alert, alert, alert, so...stay tuned for how that develops over time. I'm hoping she's intelligent but not a genius, not that i get a choice, but from what i have read genius children can be very difficult, and have huge emotional, behavioural and social problems and are a constant challenge for their parents, not something i particularly want to handle, and i dont think i will have to, i think she's just bright. Anyway, Roma's awake, her first wake-up for the night, (its usually between 2-5 wakes per night, argh) so i better go
Sunday 13 May 2012
Happy Mothers Day to me!
Ahh, its Mother's Day - and coincidentally to mark the occasion the paperback version of my book is now available! yay! I'm so thrilled it has finally been completed and formatted and made available. Project complete.
Although I'm sure Roma intended to make me breakfast in bed and bake me a cake, it didnt quite turn out that way (she is only 15 months old after all). I did go out for lunch though, on a date actually. I've entered the world that is Internet dating and so far I've met a couple of eligible batchelors. Interesting times ahead.
Roma climbed onto her rocking horse tonight for the first time, i got out the video camera to capture her first 'rocking' motions. I started her off myself before she soon got the hang of it :) That rocking horse has been sitting in the living room since Christmas and now, 5 months later she has finally realised its potential. I can see she is developing some of her body movements lately, she can run as well as walk, she figured out herself the best way to get down from the couch or my big bed, by turning around backwards, hanging her legs over teh side and sliding off, and the other day she was eating sloppy breakfast cereal and started licking it off her fingers one by one, poking the whole finger in her mouth and pulling it out, with the cereal landing efficiently on her tongue. Clever girl!
Still no words, just mama, but the list of words she understands has grown to about 40. I think she's concentrating on manouvering her physical body lately rather than developing her speech.
Although I'm sure Roma intended to make me breakfast in bed and bake me a cake, it didnt quite turn out that way (she is only 15 months old after all). I did go out for lunch though, on a date actually. I've entered the world that is Internet dating and so far I've met a couple of eligible batchelors. Interesting times ahead.
Roma climbed onto her rocking horse tonight for the first time, i got out the video camera to capture her first 'rocking' motions. I started her off myself before she soon got the hang of it :) That rocking horse has been sitting in the living room since Christmas and now, 5 months later she has finally realised its potential. I can see she is developing some of her body movements lately, she can run as well as walk, she figured out herself the best way to get down from the couch or my big bed, by turning around backwards, hanging her legs over teh side and sliding off, and the other day she was eating sloppy breakfast cereal and started licking it off her fingers one by one, poking the whole finger in her mouth and pulling it out, with the cereal landing efficiently on her tongue. Clever girl!
Still no words, just mama, but the list of words she understands has grown to about 40. I think she's concentrating on manouvering her physical body lately rather than developing her speech.
Tuesday 17 April 2012
Easter
Roma and I just got back from a few days R&R at her donor family's farm over easter. Roma loved watching all the ducks and pigs, dogs and cats.
At the moment I've got my mind on dating...I think I'm ready to give it another shot
At the moment I've got my mind on dating...I think I'm ready to give it another shot
Sunday 1 April 2012
first blog!
Yay! I'm so thrilled to be starting this blog. A big hello to everyone :)
My ebook became available on Amazon just a few days ago and the paperback is not far behind. It has been a work in progress for over 2 years now so I'm very glad to see it finally complete and available. I am very passionate about promoting the solo mum by choice lifestyle primarily because it has been (and still is) such a wonderful experience for me. I thought i would never find Mr Right and therefore never have children of my own, but i found another way and i am eternally grateful. I want all women to know that its possible, its wonderful and they can do it too.
I'm hoping to use this blog to chat about the wonderful things my daughter does, the difficulties i have raising her on my own, the joys in every day and to give women all around the world the knowledge, confidence and inspiration they may need to do it too.
My ebook became available on Amazon just a few days ago and the paperback is not far behind. It has been a work in progress for over 2 years now so I'm very glad to see it finally complete and available. I am very passionate about promoting the solo mum by choice lifestyle primarily because it has been (and still is) such a wonderful experience for me. I thought i would never find Mr Right and therefore never have children of my own, but i found another way and i am eternally grateful. I want all women to know that its possible, its wonderful and they can do it too.
I'm hoping to use this blog to chat about the wonderful things my daughter does, the difficulties i have raising her on my own, the joys in every day and to give women all around the world the knowledge, confidence and inspiration they may need to do it too.
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