Simplify

I am juggling too many balls at the moment. Craving relaxation and rest, so I need to simplify things a bit. I started with Roma's toys this afternoon, too many cluttering up the house so I put a big chunk away in the cupboard and will later rotate them with the ones still out.
But I need to go further.
I almost always have a lot on my plate; I get bored easily so I am constantly trying to improve my situation or learn more about something and there's a fine line between keeping myself mentally stimulated and getting too stressed, a very fine line. I have about 5 books on the go at the moment, plus magazines lying around just begging me to read them, that alone is stressful, I feel pressure from myself, to read them.

It's all self inflicted. I'm considering egg donation, trying to find a new day carer, hassling body corp to get my stump fixed, trying to fix my stairs, need to paint a door, want to sell my house, want to buy a house, want to build in under my house, there's work, friends, family, donor family, cleaning, cooking, book promotion, SMC promotion, emails, swimming lessons, budgets, dating, doctors appointments, xmas shopping - the list is endless. How did I get so busy? Why is there so much to do? So many expectations. I need to cull the list and work out what I want to do and what I feel I should do that's dragging me down.

I crave the simple life, I crave it but I know I would hate it. I was even like this before I had Roma. I don't know how many times I thought/think about packing it all in, moving to the country and just living a simple life. I'm always gazing in real estate windows when I am away. But the simple life is a lonely life, and a boring life and for me those two things together lead to depression so I know it wouldn't suit me, so what does? It seems to be a very fine balance. I need to find my comfort zone, and then go a bit below it towards the boredom end so that when unexpected things come along I can mentally fit them in.

The book has been quite a big project. I loved writing it, writing is my passion. But promoting it is another ballgame altogether and I do not have the patience, skill or motivation. The feedback has been wonderful 'well written, couldn't put it down' etc but it needs to reach people and that is where I have failed. I think I will let it go. I will let it go now. I will let public SMC promotion go to. I don't want my and Roma's life to be focused on how she was conceived, I dont want her to think of her conception as a big deal, she is here now, I am happy, I would like to move on with general child rearing. There is that desire within me to inspire and help other women who want to have children, but I think I can do that through posting on the SMC Australia site http://forum.smcaustralia.org.au/index.php I dont have to go on TV or write books anymore. The thirst is quenched somewhat. As a result I may not post as regularly on this blog, but it wont be forgotton, whenever I feel inspired I will write.

I have so many interests, endless interests that I want to read and learn about, and become, but they need to wait in line so I can fit them all in. I'm putting the idea of egg donation aside for now too, I think it would be too stressful at the moment and would complicate our family and our lives even more than they are already, I can't take that on right now, but I'm not ruling it out for the future. At the moment I want to focus on either selling my unit and buying a house or building in the garage so we have more space and staying here. There's heaps of work that needs to be done to prepare it to sell, so I need to get moving on that. I'm going to put it on the market and then see what happens.

So I will throw away all the scraps of paper where I have jotted down ideas for book promotion, return all the books to the library that are clogging up my bedside table, and try from now on to borrow just one at a time. I will declutter my home, cupboards, shelves and tables to ease my stress and I will simplify as best I can.