When I told Wil and Megan about my decision to stop book promotion, Megan said that it had concerned her that having the focus on Roma's conception could define us.
That made me think. What does define me? What am I largely? A mother? An SMC? A writer? A pathology assistant? A home owner/renovator? Although mothering is what has taken my focus the last few years, it is not all that I am.
Writing a book about my journey to motherhood has defined me in a way as and SMC, but that was not the purpose. I wrote it because writing is how I deal with things. As a teenager I kept a journal every year, for over 10 years; writing was how I dealt with those difficult years. So again it came naturally to me to lean on that support again when I was dealing with having a child on my own. I dealt with it as I wrote it and deep down, thats what motivated me.
Through writing this book I let go of the dream of having a family with a man I loved, I dealt with my own inhibitions and feelings of social minority through writing about it. I made decisions and gave myself comfort through writing about it. Writing is a great gift that I have always taken for granted, but along this journey I have discovered how much a part of me it is. Perhaps it's not what I write about but writing itself that defines me?
My gorgeous baby girl Roma, at 8 months, showing me her new trick!
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Saturday 6 October 2012
Simplify
I am juggling too many balls at the moment. Craving relaxation and rest, so I need to simplify things a bit. I started with Roma's toys this afternoon, too many cluttering up the house so I put a big chunk away in the cupboard and will later rotate them with the ones still out.
But I need to go further.
I almost always have a lot on my plate; I get bored easily so I am constantly trying to improve my situation or learn more about something and there's a fine line between keeping myself mentally stimulated and getting too stressed, a very fine line. I have about 5 books on the go at the moment, plus magazines lying around just begging me to read them, that alone is stressful, I feel pressure from myself, to read them.
It's all self inflicted. I'm considering egg donation, trying to find a new day carer, hassling body corp to get my stump fixed, trying to fix my stairs, need to paint a door, want to sell my house, want to buy a house, want to build in under my house, there's work, friends, family, donor family, cleaning, cooking, book promotion, SMC promotion, emails, swimming lessons, budgets, dating, doctors appointments, xmas shopping - the list is endless. How did I get so busy? Why is there so much to do? So many expectations. I need to cull the list and work out what I want to do and what I feel I should do that's dragging me down.
I crave the simple life, I crave it but I know I would hate it. I was even like this before I had Roma. I don't know how many times I thought/think about packing it all in, moving to the country and just living a simple life. I'm always gazing in real estate windows when I am away. But the simple life is a lonely life, and a boring life and for me those two things together lead to depression so I know it wouldn't suit me, so what does? It seems to be a very fine balance. I need to find my comfort zone, and then go a bit below it towards the boredom end so that when unexpected things come along I can mentally fit them in.
The book has been quite a big project. I loved writing it, writing is my passion. But promoting it is another ballgame altogether and I do not have the patience, skill or motivation. The feedback has been wonderful 'well written, couldn't put it down' etc but it needs to reach people and that is where I have failed. I think I will let it go. I will let it go now. I will let public SMC promotion go to. I don't want my and Roma's life to be focused on how she was conceived, I dont want her to think of her conception as a big deal, she is here now, I am happy, I would like to move on with general child rearing. There is that desire within me to inspire and help other women who want to have children, but I think I can do that through posting on the SMC Australia site http://forum.smcaustralia.org.au/index.php I dont have to go on TV or write books anymore. The thirst is quenched somewhat. As a result I may not post as regularly on this blog, but it wont be forgotton, whenever I feel inspired I will write.
I have so many interests, endless interests that I want to read and learn about, and become, but they need to wait in line so I can fit them all in. I'm putting the idea of egg donation aside for now too, I think it would be too stressful at the moment and would complicate our family and our lives even more than they are already, I can't take that on right now, but I'm not ruling it out for the future. At the moment I want to focus on either selling my unit and buying a house or building in the garage so we have more space and staying here. There's heaps of work that needs to be done to prepare it to sell, so I need to get moving on that. I'm going to put it on the market and then see what happens.
So I will throw away all the scraps of paper where I have jotted down ideas for book promotion, return all the books to the library that are clogging up my bedside table, and try from now on to borrow just one at a time. I will declutter my home, cupboards, shelves and tables to ease my stress and I will simplify as best I can.
But I need to go further.
I almost always have a lot on my plate; I get bored easily so I am constantly trying to improve my situation or learn more about something and there's a fine line between keeping myself mentally stimulated and getting too stressed, a very fine line. I have about 5 books on the go at the moment, plus magazines lying around just begging me to read them, that alone is stressful, I feel pressure from myself, to read them.
It's all self inflicted. I'm considering egg donation, trying to find a new day carer, hassling body corp to get my stump fixed, trying to fix my stairs, need to paint a door, want to sell my house, want to buy a house, want to build in under my house, there's work, friends, family, donor family, cleaning, cooking, book promotion, SMC promotion, emails, swimming lessons, budgets, dating, doctors appointments, xmas shopping - the list is endless. How did I get so busy? Why is there so much to do? So many expectations. I need to cull the list and work out what I want to do and what I feel I should do that's dragging me down.
I crave the simple life, I crave it but I know I would hate it. I was even like this before I had Roma. I don't know how many times I thought/think about packing it all in, moving to the country and just living a simple life. I'm always gazing in real estate windows when I am away. But the simple life is a lonely life, and a boring life and for me those two things together lead to depression so I know it wouldn't suit me, so what does? It seems to be a very fine balance. I need to find my comfort zone, and then go a bit below it towards the boredom end so that when unexpected things come along I can mentally fit them in.
The book has been quite a big project. I loved writing it, writing is my passion. But promoting it is another ballgame altogether and I do not have the patience, skill or motivation. The feedback has been wonderful 'well written, couldn't put it down' etc but it needs to reach people and that is where I have failed. I think I will let it go. I will let it go now. I will let public SMC promotion go to. I don't want my and Roma's life to be focused on how she was conceived, I dont want her to think of her conception as a big deal, she is here now, I am happy, I would like to move on with general child rearing. There is that desire within me to inspire and help other women who want to have children, but I think I can do that through posting on the SMC Australia site http://forum.smcaustralia.org.au/index.php I dont have to go on TV or write books anymore. The thirst is quenched somewhat. As a result I may not post as regularly on this blog, but it wont be forgotton, whenever I feel inspired I will write.
I have so many interests, endless interests that I want to read and learn about, and become, but they need to wait in line so I can fit them all in. I'm putting the idea of egg donation aside for now too, I think it would be too stressful at the moment and would complicate our family and our lives even more than they are already, I can't take that on right now, but I'm not ruling it out for the future. At the moment I want to focus on either selling my unit and buying a house or building in the garage so we have more space and staying here. There's heaps of work that needs to be done to prepare it to sell, so I need to get moving on that. I'm going to put it on the market and then see what happens.
So I will throw away all the scraps of paper where I have jotted down ideas for book promotion, return all the books to the library that are clogging up my bedside table, and try from now on to borrow just one at a time. I will declutter my home, cupboards, shelves and tables to ease my stress and I will simplify as best I can.
Thursday 4 October 2012
Visit to donor family
Roma and I just got back from visiting Roma's sperm donor Wil and his wife and kids in the country. I must say the DVD player in the car worked a treat and Roma remained calm and happy throughout most of the four hour drive each way. Bizarre that she can watch the same few episodes of Dora the Explorer over and over again without batting an eyelid.
Once we arrived Roma was timid as usual, it always takes her a few hours or even days, to warm up and be comfortable enough to leave my hip. This time it was much quicker and within two hours she was wandering around the living area babbling to anyone that would listen. Wil and Megan took us around their farm so Roma could see all the new animals that had recently been born; chickens, guinea pigs, calves pigs, dogs, cats, ducks and sheep. Roma quickly took to appreciating the animals and after that we could not get her away from them! Each morning she would wake at 6am and with a series of cries, grunts and moans she would point towards the front door and demand to be taken on many scenic walks around the farm so she could spot all the animals again. 'Moo' frequently escaped her lips, as did 'baby' and Wil's children's names which was delightful. Before long she started saying 'Ee i, Ee i, oh' like the Old McDonald Had a Farm nursery rhyme; she had made the connection between the rhyme and the farm we were on which was amazing.
On one of the days some of Wil's extended family came to visit and meet Roma for the first time. They all adored her as much as we do and I got along well with them. Wil's brother was especially chatty which I was grateful for. I thought they might feel awkward and not know what to say but that wasn't the case at all, they all wanted to get to know me and asked questions about what I did for a living and our life in brisbane. A few of them had read my book which gave them most of the details about Roma's conception which was a bit strange; to realise that these people I hardly know anything about, know a hell of a lot about me.
Wil has a large family, four older brothers with their wives and mostly adult children. Its a lot to take in, and I am still battling to remember all their names. I have spoken to a few of them on the phone and have always been amazed at how interested they are in knowing me and how comfortable they are with Roma and I being in their lives. When I chose to use a known donor to conceive I never ever thought about extended family being involved. It was a complete surprise to me that Wil's family wanted to meet me at all. But they do, and they want to know Roma and I and I think it is wonderful for Roma. Before everyone left they took a group family photo, with Roma and I included. They treat her as part of their family, and that is precious; something I never anticipated.
The day before we left I left Roma with Wil and his family for the afternoon so they could have some quality time together while I climbed up a hill, spread a picnic blanket under a cactus and read a few books whilst chilling out. I hoped Wil's kids (who are quite shy) would open up a bit and interract with Roma if I wasn't there, plus it is hard for them to hold her whilst I am there because Roma frequently wants to be held by me only. If I am not there she is happy to be held by others. At one stage she started saying 'muma muma' so Wil asked her 'Where's muma?' and she said 'Toilet.' Ahh so cute, the only reason I am generally away from her is because I need to go to the toilet, so she must have assumed that was the case. That gives you an idea of how much time we do spend together :). She is such an adorable and bright little button. She picked up quite a few new words while we were away, toilet being one of them. She is attempting alot more words too.
When we got home there was an email waiting for me stating that Roma's resigning family day carer will not be replaced as promised so we now need to find alternative care by October 12. That certainly put a dampner on the day and I spent the afternoon on the phone to various agencies looking for childcare. More change for Roma. I do value stability and want her to have as much as possible but some things are out of my control it seems. On the upside I have since arranged to meet up with two other carers next week, so hopefully one of them will be brilliant enough for my gorgeous girl Roma.
Once we arrived Roma was timid as usual, it always takes her a few hours or even days, to warm up and be comfortable enough to leave my hip. This time it was much quicker and within two hours she was wandering around the living area babbling to anyone that would listen. Wil and Megan took us around their farm so Roma could see all the new animals that had recently been born; chickens, guinea pigs, calves pigs, dogs, cats, ducks and sheep. Roma quickly took to appreciating the animals and after that we could not get her away from them! Each morning she would wake at 6am and with a series of cries, grunts and moans she would point towards the front door and demand to be taken on many scenic walks around the farm so she could spot all the animals again. 'Moo' frequently escaped her lips, as did 'baby' and Wil's children's names which was delightful. Before long she started saying 'Ee i, Ee i, oh' like the Old McDonald Had a Farm nursery rhyme; she had made the connection between the rhyme and the farm we were on which was amazing.
On one of the days some of Wil's extended family came to visit and meet Roma for the first time. They all adored her as much as we do and I got along well with them. Wil's brother was especially chatty which I was grateful for. I thought they might feel awkward and not know what to say but that wasn't the case at all, they all wanted to get to know me and asked questions about what I did for a living and our life in brisbane. A few of them had read my book which gave them most of the details about Roma's conception which was a bit strange; to realise that these people I hardly know anything about, know a hell of a lot about me.
Wil has a large family, four older brothers with their wives and mostly adult children. Its a lot to take in, and I am still battling to remember all their names. I have spoken to a few of them on the phone and have always been amazed at how interested they are in knowing me and how comfortable they are with Roma and I being in their lives. When I chose to use a known donor to conceive I never ever thought about extended family being involved. It was a complete surprise to me that Wil's family wanted to meet me at all. But they do, and they want to know Roma and I and I think it is wonderful for Roma. Before everyone left they took a group family photo, with Roma and I included. They treat her as part of their family, and that is precious; something I never anticipated.
The day before we left I left Roma with Wil and his family for the afternoon so they could have some quality time together while I climbed up a hill, spread a picnic blanket under a cactus and read a few books whilst chilling out. I hoped Wil's kids (who are quite shy) would open up a bit and interract with Roma if I wasn't there, plus it is hard for them to hold her whilst I am there because Roma frequently wants to be held by me only. If I am not there she is happy to be held by others. At one stage she started saying 'muma muma' so Wil asked her 'Where's muma?' and she said 'Toilet.' Ahh so cute, the only reason I am generally away from her is because I need to go to the toilet, so she must have assumed that was the case. That gives you an idea of how much time we do spend together :). She is such an adorable and bright little button. She picked up quite a few new words while we were away, toilet being one of them. She is attempting alot more words too.
When we got home there was an email waiting for me stating that Roma's resigning family day carer will not be replaced as promised so we now need to find alternative care by October 12. That certainly put a dampner on the day and I spent the afternoon on the phone to various agencies looking for childcare. More change for Roma. I do value stability and want her to have as much as possible but some things are out of my control it seems. On the upside I have since arranged to meet up with two other carers next week, so hopefully one of them will be brilliant enough for my gorgeous girl Roma.
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