I Need People

Being a single mum by choice doesn't necessarily mean doing everything myself.

I have always needed people around me to help out and nowadays I rely on a few close freinds and family; I know without them, I would be very stuck indeed.
It took me a while to learn to ask for help and to feel comfortable doing so, especially given I deliberately had this child on my own and have never regularly had to ask for help in the past. But now I do and I think it has been important for me to learn to be able to ask for help, to accept help and to acknowledge that I do indeed need help and can't always do it all on my own; and thats ok.

When I'm rostered on a shift that starts before daycare opens, my sister Natalie comes over, sometimes as early as 5am to stay with Roma and then take her into daycare when it opens. When I have appointments my other sister Jo takes Roma for an hour or so (have you ever taken a toddler to a chiropractor appointment? impossible!)
I have a date next friday night (yay for me!) and am now seeking out friends and family who may be able to stay with my sleeping daughter while I go out. It will be the first time I leave her at night so its a big deal for me. I could pay an unknown baby sitter to stay with her but if she woke up, she would freak out when this stranger comes into the room to comfort her, so friends and family are invaluable.

Lately my sister Natalie and I thought of taking things one step further and considered buying a house together so she can be more involved in Roma's life, help me out and we could then both afford to live in a nice house in a nice suburb; however that plan seems to have recently fallen through. So now I'm wondering again where I should live. Another option is to buy with my friend Tammy, but that is complicated also. I can't afford a house on my own, not unless I move to dodgey-ville somewhere in an outer suburb, far away from the people I rely on.
I need people. And I am recognising this more and more now.

At the moment Roma and I live in a unit near the city I bought about 6 years ago. It does the job but is small, needs maintenance and dealing with body corporate issues is difficult at times. I would love to move into a real house, but to do so, I need people.

My Hypocrisy

I bought a DVD player for the car today; then I realised my hypocrisy.

It all started with 'I won't take drugs during childbirth' but then during a horrendous 48 hour labour enduring pain I never thought existed, I discovered the amazing, amazing benefits of drugs and took them. Then it was 'I will never give my baby a dummy' but that one didn't last 2 months before I discovered not all babies know how to sleep, and that keeping my boob in her mouth forever means I don't get any sleep either until with relief she finally took a dummy, stopped crying and went to sleep (looking back now, I wonder what could possible be wrong with that??) Then 'I won't give my baby hot chips', until she failed to put on weight, the nutritionist told me to feed her heaps of fat, cream, butter, oil etc. So the list goes on...and here I am about to plug my daughter into a portable DVD player.

When portable DVD players first hit the market years ago I thought, oh my God, why do kids need to watch TV in the car? Can't they just look out the window or play spotto or use their imagination like I did when I was a kid? I will never buy one of them for my kids.
That was until today, until I found myself literally scrambling for a portable DVD player, racing from store to store with Roma in tow, comparing prices.
It all came about after we returned from a few days away at the Sunshine Coast this morning and unfortunately I don't feel rested at all. It's hard work taking a toddler on holidays. She screamed most of the 90 minute drive up there, wouldn't nap in the cot during the day, instead she slept for only 30 minutes in the car or attached to me in the carrier so I didnt get my usual 2hr midday reprieve from parenting. The first night she was up about four times due to being in a strange place and the next night she slept very well aside from deciding to start her day at 4.30am! She clung to me most of the time, scared of everything and everyone that was new and different in the holiday spot.

So I'm tired. My back aches, I need sleep and it all made me wonder how I could possible make time away from home more enjoyable. We are heading up to Wil and Megan's (Roma's donor family) farm next week, with a four hour drive each way I was getting anxious about the dreaded drive that I knew would involve Roma screaming from the backseat, while I continuously hand toys/food/water and wet wipes from the front to the back. There is usually lots of singing and praying she will sleep whilst I drive100km/hr on the highway for four hours. Not only is it stressful, but also really dangerous. I understand why Roma gets irritable in the car, its a long time for a 19 month old to stay still and strapped in.

My friend Tammy suggested the DVD player yesterday and I jumped at the chance to have a happy toddler during the drive. I bought one today along with a copy of 'Yo Gabba Gabba' and 'Dora the Explorer.' Roma loves TV and although it means more screen time, I think it is well worth the sacrifice if it means she is happy, I am calm and we are both safe on our drive to the farm.

Of course, even with the stress involved, it is still worth getting away from our ordinary lives every now and then. Roma had a great time at the Sunny Coast, she loved the beach, and would spend all day there if I let her. Initially afraid of the water, once she put her feet in she was hooked and she is always at home in the sand so she was just revelling in it. I think she will sleep well tonight, now that we are home. She is one worn out toddler!

Fear and vulnerabilities

My sister was cleaning out her bookcase the other day, trying to cull books and so I took a few home to read; one was called 'Let Me Survive' by Louise Longo. It was the true story of a woman who was the sole surviver of an incident at sea which claimed the life of her husband and six year old daughter.
I read it twice.
I couldn't get it out of my head because I could feel this womans pain and I felt so so sorry that she, that anyone, that potentially I, could endure such pain as the loss of a child. Now that I have Roma and I love her so much, I am in a very vulnerable position. If she dies, I will be in immense pain.
Problem.

I thought I had already gone through this. Is there an afterlife? Does our spirit live on after death? I was not bought up with religion, so when these questions came to me as an adolescent and young adult I looked into it and it intrigued me so much that I grew quite a passion for it. I read alot about near death experiences and it didn't take me long to make up my mind that yes, I do believe in life after death, in a God of some kind and I believe when we die our spirit lives on, in a happy plane of existence somewhere. I therefore decided I was comfortable with death. That was until now, until I stood to lose so much.

So now that my fear of death has resurfaced, I went to the library to browse for inspiration and came across a book titled 'Afterlife Encounters' by Dianne Arcangel which is a scientifically based account of many peoples interactions with loved ones that have passed away. It gave me immense hope, and reminded me of my beliefs. Beliefs that I am grateful for. I hope the Universe hasn't sent me on this quest to prepare me for something, I hope I never have to put my beliefs to the test, but if I do, I now think it will be possible for me to survive the experience, and that slightly reduces the fear and anxiety I feel; which can only be a good thing.

I'm In Love!

I am so in love with Roma!
I have that addicted feeling like I had in the past with partners, I just want to kiss her all the time and not stop kissing her. I can't stand to be away from her for too long, I take so many photos and I'm just so amazed and proud of her every day.

I love looking at her, I love that I can look at her and she looks at me and doesn't turn away. She hasn't learnt the social etiquette that dictates we shouldn't look at one another for too long; so she allows me to look at her, in the eye for a long time and she smiles. I think that's why we love looking at our partners when they sleep, cause when they are asleep we don't have to take our eyes off them, we are allowed to gaze.

I love gazing, I could gaze all day at her beautiful face. And her voice, oh she has the sweetest little voice. She babbles this baby language that only she understands and she sings in that language too, the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I want to capture it and hear it every day for the rest of my life. She is 19 months old now and when I have her on my hip she has just started doing this thing where she lightly holds my face with both her hands and turns me to face her and then she just looks at me and smiles. It is oh so cute, so tender and so lovely.

This love, makes me feel so vulnerable. I know that the stronger and more wonderful it is, the stronger the pain will be when/if she is taken away. I dread that she be taken away but I know one day she wont be as physically close to me. She could move to Europe when she is 18, have an argument with me when she is 15 and decide not to talk to me for ages, or heaven forbid she could pass away before I do.  It could happen and it would break my heart into so many pieces it would never repair. I know I will need to let her go once she's older, and I will; but right now I'm holding on tight and devouring this little girl and everything she brings into my life.

Change

I work for Queensland Health.

After the State Government's announcement this week that they were cutting 14,000 jobs in the public service, like many of their employees I spent the week on my best behaviour, scrutinising every whisper I saw my boss make and jumping everytime she called my name...for fear I would be pulled into her office where the word 'redundant' would leave her lips and life as I knew it would fall apart. That didn't happen; hasn't happened yet but the thought of it has had me considering what I would do if I lost my job.

I don't like change, especially when things are going splendidly as they are. My job is wonderful, it fits in perfectly with my role as a mother and I know the job like the back of my hand so it is not difficult most of the time. I can go to work, do my time and then come home and focus on raising Roma. Queensland Heath is a wonderful organisation for accomodating women when they return to work following the birth of a child. My boss has allowed me to reduce my hours from full-time to only 2 days per week until Roma is in school, whilst also allowing me to switch to day shifts instead of shift work which would have had me working up until midnight some days.

This flexibility has allowed me to pop Roma into regular family day care which she loves and is thriving in. However more change is expected there soon.

Roma's wonderful, amazing family day carer Lou told me on Thursday that she has decided to resign and it bought me to tears. Roma loves her, I love her and Roma has only just started saying her name 'Lou Lou,' it is so sweet and she really is quite attached to her carer. Lou Lou was perfect for Roma, fully of energy and always stimulating her, encouraging her and providing her with new toys and activities. Now she will be leaving and I am yet to find out who her replacement is.

Thankfully her day care arrangement works slightly differently to the norm and Lou is actually contracted from another woman who oversees the care. So that means for us, Roma still keeps her child care place and will still be cared for in the same home but Lou will move out and someone else will move in. I just hope she is as wonderful as Lou and that Roma bonds to her just as easily. One of the things...let me rephrase that...the biggest thing that makes me happy to go off to work each day is the knowledge that Roma is safe, happy and loved in her daycare home, without that feeling of contentment, I certainly would not be able to do my job as well as I do.

So thank you Lou for being wonderful and for caring for Roma so well, you will be missed. And although I resist, I know I will have to get used to the change

Relinquishing the seed

Should I have another baby?

Every six months the fertility clinic sends me an invoice for $225 to store the 11 vials of my donor's sperm that I have left. Since the last payment I have been considering whether I want to continue keeping the sperm, or let it go. It comes down to whether I think I will need it.
Which brings me to the question, do I want another baby?

At the moment, the answer is no, I have my hands full with Roma so do not think I would be able to give two children, the same level of time and patience I give to Roma. Plus, I don't feel the desire, or urge for another child, like I did for Roma. She gives me all the joy and love I hoped for, so there's no hole to fill anymore.
Yes, it would be beneficial for her to have a sibling to play with but I think the fact that I will be spending more quality time with Roma during her childhood, because she is an only child will be beneficial too. So I guess I have made up my mind, but still, it is hard to sign the paperwork to relinquish the seed. What if I change my mind? What if I get the urge again? This is possible, but thankfully I have Roma's donor in our lives, alive and willing to donate again if need be. So there's no real risk...but still, by signing that paperwork, I am taking a step, making a choice not to have anymore.

I wish I could transfer the vials to someone else, and I asked the clinic if I could do this, but it seems I cannot because they have identifying information on them. Because we conceived under a known donor arrangement, they could only be used with someone under the same arrangement.

A part of me is sad that I will probably not see Roma playing with a sister or brother one day, she loves other children. However since Roma was conceived, her donor has donated again to another clinic as an ID release donor, and since doing so has given life to 3 girls and 2 boys, so perhaps one day I will see my vision become reality after all.

Where to from here??

The aftermath of being on television has been both uplifting and dissapointing as Wil, Megan and I have received both positive and negative feedback from the 60 Minutes article. The vast majority of feedback I have received has been exceedingly positive and I am so glad that we have been able to touch so many. A lot of support has come from the SMC community which i am very thankful for, it seems many were bought to tears by my story - due in part I think to their ability to empathise with me as our journeys are bound to be similar. Although any mother that sees another mother in tears at the thought of how much love their child brings to their lives is likely to shed a tear, I think. The 60 minutes facebook page also had about 250 comments about the show, largely positive and family and friends have also been extremely supportive.

A transcript of the online chat i took part in after the show is now available online and i was able to read over my responses for the first time. I acutely remember the one now dubbed 'the Ryan question' as it was the only critical one to make it past the moderator. The moderator told me i didn't have to answer it but i wanted to. I especially want to help the critics understand why I decided this path for myself and my family. I am quite chuffed with my response, I think I nailed it!

Megan had one young girl she teaches, come up to her for a hug telling Megan that she is an inspiration and Wil had a teenage boy tell him, he too would like to donate sperm some day. Kids can be so sweet. However they have both also been subject to critisism in their small town and I feel for them. Some adults are not as open minded as the children. They are very strong people so I'm sure they will brush it off but I do feel a sense of responsibility for asking them to take part in the program in the first place. The very very last thing I want to do is be responsible for bringing them any pain.

Emma's freespermdonations.com website has received an influx of new donors, thanks to the story which is fantastic news. Many of them are married men, who after discussing it with their wives, decided it was something they would like to do. Well done to Wil and Megan for showing Australia that sperm donors are largely just ordinary Aussie guys who like to make a difference, and that they too can benefit from donating sperm.

A reporter from a newspaper of a nearby town has requested an interview with me and although initially enthusiastic I am feeling a bit cautious about where it is all heading. How far do I persue this? Do I want to be the face of donor conception? Do I want Roma to be? Someone has to do it, I know, but I do like my privacy and the spotlight is certainly not something I crave.
Due to the American couples participation in the 60 minutes story, it could be aired in the US, and I am waiting to hear now whether that will occur.

I have some thinking to do...

Success on 60 Minutes!

Well, that was a resounding success!

Our story aired on 60 Minutes last night as I clutched the edge of my seat for quarter of an hour surrounded by my best friend, family, wine, chocolate and my mobile phone! Roma stayed up for the occasion and recognised herself, Wil, Megan and I on TV and was bouncing up and down with excitement. My parents, sisters and friend all screamed when my face appeared on the screen and the cheering didnt stop for the whole segment. They were proud of me for being brave enough to tell our story and I was also proud of Wil and Megans involvement. We all did a wonderful job :)

Overall I am really pleased with how we were all presented and portrayed, we all spoke well and the message we were trying to get across reached its target. A shame the book wasn't mentioned within the story and that none of the cute footage taken of Wil cuddling Roma made it to air, but aside from that I will say a job well done to the 60 Minutes team.

After it ended I promptly put Roma to bed before heading behind closed doors to take part in the online chat. Nerves and a pulsating headache didn't stop me from regurgitating everything I could think of to inspire and inform the fellow chatterers about everything from how much it cost to where to start the process. There was only really one 'hairy' question that I needed to word carefully but for the most part people were eager to know more information so they too can have a child through donor conception.

I am really glad to have been given the opportunity to reach so many people and I am sure babies will be born as a result.

The full story is available to view on the 60 Minutes website here http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8525349 and the online chat transcript after the show can be seen here http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8526498

My awesome sister has put together a youtube video to help promote the book, and the message, it can be seen here http://youtu.be/Hn37jRZ-Th4