Gratitude

Can I change the theme of this blog? It started out to promote my book and the SMC lifestyle, then it changed to social expectation and now i feel an urge to promote gratitude. Gratitude may well be the key to happiness. During Roma's nap today I watched a re-run of the TV program 4 Corners and the article was about domestic violence in Australia. It told the story of two women who had been killed by their partners, leaving their children behind. When it ended I flicked over to Foreign Correspondent and it told me of people with gaming addictions in South Korea and the murders that had occured as a result.

Then Roma woke up.

My beautiful, healthy, lovable toddler woke up. I was able to take her into my arms for a big warm 'just woke up' cuddle feeling safe, happy and loved. I feel privelidged to be able to provide her with a happy, loving, stable, safe home. We are fortunate enough to have been born into this free, wealthy nation and I have options and resources some others would only dream about. In that moment I felt extreme gratitude not only for what I have but for what I don't have to endure.

Blessed Are We

Last week I was reminded how lucky I am. Lucky to be a mother, to be a single mother and to be an Australian. I was talking to a woman at work who is from India and she was telling me how she would be reunited with her daughter soon (she is only one year older than Roma).

Almost a year ago it was decided that the little toddler should go and live with her grandparents in India because my colleague needed to return to full-time work and her husband and his parents did not think she should be in a childcare centre five days per week, she would be better off with her grandparents in India. Sounds good in theory but this meant her mother would not see her for a year. Before our conversation last week I knew that her daughter was in India but I assumed it was what she wanted, part of her culture, the way they do things over there etcetera, but then I found out that it was not what she wanted. She had protested and fought to keep her daughter here with her, but, 'As an Indian woman, it was not up to me,' as she put it. How completely devastating!
So then she grieved, and ached, missing her daughter's body beside her in bed each night for a full year before she could be reunited.

So many questions went through my mind, what if her daughter doesnt remember her? what will happen to their bond? their attachment? will she ever regain that special place in her daughters heart again? And then I got angry. How dare her husband make such a decision without her approval. How dare her in-laws have such control over her child and her relationship with her child. I thought they should all be thrown in jail for kidnapping. And then I felt grateful. Grateful that I have complete control to make all the decisions with Roma, I don't have anyone trying to take her away from me, she stays with me almost all of the time and i wouldnt have it any other way. But some people are not so fortunate, and it breaks my heart. As a mother I can imagine the pain they must feel every day and it breaks my heart.

Aren't parks awesome?

One of the best things about living in a big city is the great quality of kids playgrounds within a few minutes drive from my home. Roma and I discovered New Farm park yesterday and i was amazed and in awe. It was so huge, playgrounds built around the fig trees, spinning seats, musical stations, swings, slides and plenty of grass to run around on. I did my best to wear Roma out and she slept 11 hours that night! They are just as good, if not better than the costly indoor play centres, they are free and with Queensland weather allowing sunshine even in winter, they are a no-brainer way to entertain the littlies. The quality and variety have improved dramatically since i was a child, it makes me remember again just how lucky Roma is.

Imperfection is Perfection

'Did your child get enough Omega 3 today?'
That was a marketing statement I read in a magazine a few days ago. Can you believe that? Enough omega 3? Talk about pressure. If I was a perfect parent then yes, my child would have willingly eaten her serve of fresh fish, washed down with 250ml of milk (for calcium), followed by 4 segments of mandarin (for vitamin C), 8 spinach leaves (for folic acid and fibre), one piece of wholemeal toast spread with organic peanut butter (for fibre, carbohydrates and protein) etc etc etc, you get the picture. Not only that, but she would have participated in 4 hours physical activity, slept for 12 hours uninterrupted at night, napped for 2 hours during the day, engaged with me one on one for most of the day, had social play with other toddlers her age for 2 hours per day etc. And thats just Roma not to mention my own needs.

The message we get from society (which primarily stems from marketing agents and the media) is that all these things and more are essential to have a healthy, happy family; however they are conflicting messages. I cannot engage with Roma one-on-one and also prepare her fresh fish. I cannot force her to eat the healthy foods required to give her all the vitamins and minerals etc she 'needs.' I cannot get my half an hour of exercise, whilst also ensuring she gets her 2 hour nap. I can't do everything. I'ts impossible and its not because i am a single parent it is because i am human and the social expectations are too high. I, as a perfectionist succumb to these expectations all too often, I want to be the perfect parent, I want to have a healthy child, I want her to grow up happy and well adjusted but experts actually warn against this. Striving to be a perfect parent is actually seen as a negative, because your child doesn't learn that its ok to make mistakes, she gets unrealistically high expectations of herself too and ends up with the same anxieties I have. So in a nutshell, being imperfect is what we should strive for and accept. Being imperfect is, perfect.

Sleep

Ahhh, sleep.
That activity I used to take so much for granted. I am finding myself yet again turning to Mr. Google to seek to understand why my little munchkin desires so strongly to attach to my boob for hours at a time in the middle of the night and why she does not seem to understand that mummy needs sleep too. Is she hungry? Is it separation anxiety? A sleep association?
I'm going for the latter at the moment and trialling a new technique I read about in one of Elizabeth Pantly's books. Put her on the boob, then take her off before she falls asleep and when she cries cause she wants to go back on, then put her back on and then 10 seconds later take her off again until eventually she accepts being off and doesnt cry, then hold her until she is asleep and then place her in the cot, hope she doesnt wake up and creep out of the room, ever so quietly and slowly. One false move could mean I have to start all over again. Sounds elaborate but its not much more than what I am enduring already and it does give me some hope of a better nights sleep in hopefully the not too distant future.
Roma has always had difficulty sleeping. I feel like we have experienced every possible problem already, we did the Government approved version of controlled crying when she was 3 months old, we tried co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, feeding to sleep, dummies, blankies, carefully temperature controlled environments, different blanket options etc. She never sleeps thorugh the night but we usually find a happy middle ground somewhere between 6 wakings a night and one 1 hour wake per night. If its manageable for me then I will let it be. I hoped she would grow out of it and just start weaning herself and sleeping through on her own but alas, i do not think that is going to happen.
So now, its up to Elizabeth Pantly and I to see how we go.

Still seeking Mr. Right

I thought the desire for a partner would dwindle once I had a child. I thought i would be too busy, too tired and too distracted to make it a priority. I thought I would receive all the love and companionship i needed through my child. But that doesnt seem to be the case. I'm back on teh dating scene and have just suffered my first rejection. I will call him 'the mechanic.' The mechanic ticked all the boxes, was great with Roma, nice genuine down to earth guy, was seeing him for about 2 months until Thursday. 'No spark' he said. Fair enough, I didnt exactly feel fireworks going off either but figured i would give it time. I am dissapointed and it has heightened me feelings of need in that area of my life. I had grand expectations of the mecanic and now they have been taken away there is a bit of a hole remaining. A lack. How do you find that chemistry, that spark, that click, when Internet dating? The instant attraction and flirtation that otherwise happens doesnt because you are meeting up with someone because they tick the boxes not because they send your heart a flutter or you cant get enough of their conversation...or aftershave. So where to from here? I think i will try again, I'm thinking of it as a numbers game. The more men i meet, the more likely i will find chemistry and all the goosebumps that come with it.

Advanced?

So...the intention was that i would write in this blog regularly as an outlet for the ups and downs of life with Roma. But to be honest, life is too busy!
But on the occasion that something out of the ordinary happens then I feel the urge to write and make it a priority. So here I am, Roma has just gone to sleep for the night (or for the next 2 hours at least anyway, before she wakes up wanting another booby feed....i know i know, she shouldnt need night feeds at her age, but hey, if theres one thing i have learnt through my motherhood journey so far, its been to do whatever works).

I was having a conversation with Roma's family day carer about her abilities and we both agreed she seems quite advanced for her age. I hesitate to write this because i know everyone seems to think their child is advanced and special etc, and i am keenly aware of my inevitable parental bias, however...when her carer had the same opinion, thats when i started to think seriously about it. She's 16 months old now and although she doesnt talk yet, only says 'car' and 'mama,' she loves looking at books, always has, turns the pages easily, stands on tippee toes, spins around in circles, always wants me to read to her, plays pretend with her dolly, feeding and putting to bed etc, brings toys over to other babies when they cry, focused on a particular TV show when she was 5 months, has always been described by strangers and everyone as alert, ever since she was a few weeks old thats all I've heard alert, alert, alert, so...stay tuned for how that develops over time. I'm hoping she's intelligent but not a genius, not that i get a choice, but from what i have read genius children can be very difficult, and have huge emotional, behavioural and social problems and are a constant challenge for their parents, not something i particularly want to handle, and i dont think i will have to, i think she's just bright. Anyway, Roma's awake, her first wake-up for the night, (its usually between 2-5 wakes per night, argh) so i better go