What defines us?

When I told Wil and Megan about my decision to stop book promotion, Megan said that it had concerned her that having the focus on Roma's conception could define us.

That made me think. What does define me? What am I largely? A mother? An SMC? A writer? A pathology assistant? A home owner/renovator? Although mothering is what has taken my focus the last few years, it is not all that I am.

Writing a book about my journey to motherhood has defined me in a way as and SMC, but that was not the purpose. I wrote it because writing is how I deal with things. As a teenager I kept a journal every year, for over 10 years; writing was how I dealt with those difficult years. So again it came naturally to me to lean on that support again when I was dealing with having a child on my own. I dealt with it as I wrote it and deep down, thats what motivated me.

Through writing this book I let go of the dream of having a family with a man I loved, I dealt with my own inhibitions and feelings of social minority through writing about it. I made decisions and gave myself comfort through writing about it. Writing is a great gift that I have always taken for granted, but along this journey I have discovered how much a part of me it is. Perhaps it's not what I write about but writing itself that defines me?

Simplify

I am juggling too many balls at the moment. Craving relaxation and rest, so I need to simplify things a bit. I started with Roma's toys this afternoon, too many cluttering up the house so I put a big chunk away in the cupboard and will later rotate them with the ones still out.
But I need to go further.
I almost always have a lot on my plate; I get bored easily so I am constantly trying to improve my situation or learn more about something and there's a fine line between keeping myself mentally stimulated and getting too stressed, a very fine line. I have about 5 books on the go at the moment, plus magazines lying around just begging me to read them, that alone is stressful, I feel pressure from myself, to read them.

It's all self inflicted. I'm considering egg donation, trying to find a new day carer, hassling body corp to get my stump fixed, trying to fix my stairs, need to paint a door, want to sell my house, want to buy a house, want to build in under my house, there's work, friends, family, donor family, cleaning, cooking, book promotion, SMC promotion, emails, swimming lessons, budgets, dating, doctors appointments, xmas shopping - the list is endless. How did I get so busy? Why is there so much to do? So many expectations. I need to cull the list and work out what I want to do and what I feel I should do that's dragging me down.

I crave the simple life, I crave it but I know I would hate it. I was even like this before I had Roma. I don't know how many times I thought/think about packing it all in, moving to the country and just living a simple life. I'm always gazing in real estate windows when I am away. But the simple life is a lonely life, and a boring life and for me those two things together lead to depression so I know it wouldn't suit me, so what does? It seems to be a very fine balance. I need to find my comfort zone, and then go a bit below it towards the boredom end so that when unexpected things come along I can mentally fit them in.

The book has been quite a big project. I loved writing it, writing is my passion. But promoting it is another ballgame altogether and I do not have the patience, skill or motivation. The feedback has been wonderful 'well written, couldn't put it down' etc but it needs to reach people and that is where I have failed. I think I will let it go. I will let it go now. I will let public SMC promotion go to. I don't want my and Roma's life to be focused on how she was conceived, I dont want her to think of her conception as a big deal, she is here now, I am happy, I would like to move on with general child rearing. There is that desire within me to inspire and help other women who want to have children, but I think I can do that through posting on the SMC Australia site http://forum.smcaustralia.org.au/index.php I dont have to go on TV or write books anymore. The thirst is quenched somewhat. As a result I may not post as regularly on this blog, but it wont be forgotton, whenever I feel inspired I will write.

I have so many interests, endless interests that I want to read and learn about, and become, but they need to wait in line so I can fit them all in. I'm putting the idea of egg donation aside for now too, I think it would be too stressful at the moment and would complicate our family and our lives even more than they are already, I can't take that on right now, but I'm not ruling it out for the future. At the moment I want to focus on either selling my unit and buying a house or building in the garage so we have more space and staying here. There's heaps of work that needs to be done to prepare it to sell, so I need to get moving on that. I'm going to put it on the market and then see what happens.

So I will throw away all the scraps of paper where I have jotted down ideas for book promotion, return all the books to the library that are clogging up my bedside table, and try from now on to borrow just one at a time. I will declutter my home, cupboards, shelves and tables to ease my stress and I will simplify as best I can.

Visit to donor family

Roma and I just got back from visiting Roma's sperm donor Wil and his wife and kids in the country. I must say the DVD player in the car worked a treat and Roma remained calm and happy throughout most of the four hour drive each way. Bizarre that she can watch the same few episodes of Dora the Explorer over and over again without batting an eyelid.

Once we arrived Roma was timid as usual, it always takes her a few hours or even days, to warm up and be comfortable enough to leave my hip. This time it was much quicker and within two hours she was wandering around the living area babbling to anyone that would listen. Wil and Megan took us around their farm so Roma could see all the new animals that had recently been born; chickens, guinea pigs, calves pigs, dogs, cats, ducks and sheep. Roma quickly took to appreciating the animals and after that we could not get her away from them! Each morning she would wake at 6am and with a series of cries, grunts and moans she would point towards the front door and demand to be taken on many scenic walks around the farm so she could spot all the animals again. 'Moo' frequently escaped her lips, as did 'baby' and Wil's children's names which was delightful. Before long she started saying 'Ee i, Ee i, oh' like the Old McDonald Had a Farm nursery rhyme; she had made the connection between the rhyme and the farm we were on which was amazing.

On one of the days some of Wil's extended family came to visit and meet Roma for the first time. They all adored her as much as we do and I got along well with them. Wil's brother was especially chatty which I was grateful for. I thought they might feel awkward and not know what to say but that wasn't the case at all, they all wanted to get to know me and asked questions about what I did for a living and our life in brisbane. A few of them had read my book which gave them most of the details about Roma's conception which was a bit strange; to realise that these people I hardly know anything about, know a hell of a lot about me.

Wil has a large family, four older brothers with their wives and mostly adult children. Its a lot to take in, and I am still battling to remember all their names. I have spoken to a few of them on the phone and have always been amazed at how interested they are in knowing me and how comfortable they are with Roma and I being in their lives. When I chose to use a known donor to conceive I never ever thought about extended family being involved. It was a complete surprise to me that Wil's family wanted to meet me at all. But they do, and they want to know Roma and I and I think it is wonderful for Roma. Before everyone left they took a group family photo, with Roma and I included. They treat her as part of their family, and that is precious; something I never anticipated.

The day before we left I left Roma with Wil and his family for the afternoon so they could have some quality time together while I climbed up a hill, spread a picnic blanket under a cactus and read a few books whilst chilling out. I hoped Wil's kids (who are quite shy) would open up a bit and interract with Roma if I wasn't there, plus it is hard for them to hold her whilst I am there because Roma frequently wants to be held by me only. If I am not there she is happy to be held by others. At one stage she started saying 'muma muma' so Wil asked her 'Where's muma?' and she said 'Toilet.' Ahh so cute, the only reason I am generally away from her is because I need to go to the toilet, so she must have assumed that was the case. That gives you an idea of how much time we do spend together :). She is such an adorable and bright little button. She picked up quite a few new words while we were away, toilet being one of them. She is attempting alot more words too.

When we got home there was an email waiting for me stating that Roma's resigning family day carer will not be replaced as promised so we now need to find alternative care by October 12. That certainly put a dampner on the day and I spent the afternoon on the phone to various agencies looking for childcare. More change for Roma. I do value stability and want her to have as much as possible but some things are out of my control it seems. On the upside I have since arranged to meet up with two other carers next week, so hopefully one of them will be brilliant enough for my gorgeous girl Roma.

I Need People

Being a single mum by choice doesn't necessarily mean doing everything myself.

I have always needed people around me to help out and nowadays I rely on a few close freinds and family; I know without them, I would be very stuck indeed.
It took me a while to learn to ask for help and to feel comfortable doing so, especially given I deliberately had this child on my own and have never regularly had to ask for help in the past. But now I do and I think it has been important for me to learn to be able to ask for help, to accept help and to acknowledge that I do indeed need help and can't always do it all on my own; and thats ok.

When I'm rostered on a shift that starts before daycare opens, my sister Natalie comes over, sometimes as early as 5am to stay with Roma and then take her into daycare when it opens. When I have appointments my other sister Jo takes Roma for an hour or so (have you ever taken a toddler to a chiropractor appointment? impossible!)
I have a date next friday night (yay for me!) and am now seeking out friends and family who may be able to stay with my sleeping daughter while I go out. It will be the first time I leave her at night so its a big deal for me. I could pay an unknown baby sitter to stay with her but if she woke up, she would freak out when this stranger comes into the room to comfort her, so friends and family are invaluable.

Lately my sister Natalie and I thought of taking things one step further and considered buying a house together so she can be more involved in Roma's life, help me out and we could then both afford to live in a nice house in a nice suburb; however that plan seems to have recently fallen through. So now I'm wondering again where I should live. Another option is to buy with my friend Tammy, but that is complicated also. I can't afford a house on my own, not unless I move to dodgey-ville somewhere in an outer suburb, far away from the people I rely on.
I need people. And I am recognising this more and more now.

At the moment Roma and I live in a unit near the city I bought about 6 years ago. It does the job but is small, needs maintenance and dealing with body corporate issues is difficult at times. I would love to move into a real house, but to do so, I need people.

My Hypocrisy

I bought a DVD player for the car today; then I realised my hypocrisy.

It all started with 'I won't take drugs during childbirth' but then during a horrendous 48 hour labour enduring pain I never thought existed, I discovered the amazing, amazing benefits of drugs and took them. Then it was 'I will never give my baby a dummy' but that one didn't last 2 months before I discovered not all babies know how to sleep, and that keeping my boob in her mouth forever means I don't get any sleep either until with relief she finally took a dummy, stopped crying and went to sleep (looking back now, I wonder what could possible be wrong with that??) Then 'I won't give my baby hot chips', until she failed to put on weight, the nutritionist told me to feed her heaps of fat, cream, butter, oil etc. So the list goes on...and here I am about to plug my daughter into a portable DVD player.

When portable DVD players first hit the market years ago I thought, oh my God, why do kids need to watch TV in the car? Can't they just look out the window or play spotto or use their imagination like I did when I was a kid? I will never buy one of them for my kids.
That was until today, until I found myself literally scrambling for a portable DVD player, racing from store to store with Roma in tow, comparing prices.
It all came about after we returned from a few days away at the Sunshine Coast this morning and unfortunately I don't feel rested at all. It's hard work taking a toddler on holidays. She screamed most of the 90 minute drive up there, wouldn't nap in the cot during the day, instead she slept for only 30 minutes in the car or attached to me in the carrier so I didnt get my usual 2hr midday reprieve from parenting. The first night she was up about four times due to being in a strange place and the next night she slept very well aside from deciding to start her day at 4.30am! She clung to me most of the time, scared of everything and everyone that was new and different in the holiday spot.

So I'm tired. My back aches, I need sleep and it all made me wonder how I could possible make time away from home more enjoyable. We are heading up to Wil and Megan's (Roma's donor family) farm next week, with a four hour drive each way I was getting anxious about the dreaded drive that I knew would involve Roma screaming from the backseat, while I continuously hand toys/food/water and wet wipes from the front to the back. There is usually lots of singing and praying she will sleep whilst I drive100km/hr on the highway for four hours. Not only is it stressful, but also really dangerous. I understand why Roma gets irritable in the car, its a long time for a 19 month old to stay still and strapped in.

My friend Tammy suggested the DVD player yesterday and I jumped at the chance to have a happy toddler during the drive. I bought one today along with a copy of 'Yo Gabba Gabba' and 'Dora the Explorer.' Roma loves TV and although it means more screen time, I think it is well worth the sacrifice if it means she is happy, I am calm and we are both safe on our drive to the farm.

Of course, even with the stress involved, it is still worth getting away from our ordinary lives every now and then. Roma had a great time at the Sunny Coast, she loved the beach, and would spend all day there if I let her. Initially afraid of the water, once she put her feet in she was hooked and she is always at home in the sand so she was just revelling in it. I think she will sleep well tonight, now that we are home. She is one worn out toddler!

Fear and vulnerabilities

My sister was cleaning out her bookcase the other day, trying to cull books and so I took a few home to read; one was called 'Let Me Survive' by Louise Longo. It was the true story of a woman who was the sole surviver of an incident at sea which claimed the life of her husband and six year old daughter.
I read it twice.
I couldn't get it out of my head because I could feel this womans pain and I felt so so sorry that she, that anyone, that potentially I, could endure such pain as the loss of a child. Now that I have Roma and I love her so much, I am in a very vulnerable position. If she dies, I will be in immense pain.
Problem.

I thought I had already gone through this. Is there an afterlife? Does our spirit live on after death? I was not bought up with religion, so when these questions came to me as an adolescent and young adult I looked into it and it intrigued me so much that I grew quite a passion for it. I read alot about near death experiences and it didn't take me long to make up my mind that yes, I do believe in life after death, in a God of some kind and I believe when we die our spirit lives on, in a happy plane of existence somewhere. I therefore decided I was comfortable with death. That was until now, until I stood to lose so much.

So now that my fear of death has resurfaced, I went to the library to browse for inspiration and came across a book titled 'Afterlife Encounters' by Dianne Arcangel which is a scientifically based account of many peoples interactions with loved ones that have passed away. It gave me immense hope, and reminded me of my beliefs. Beliefs that I am grateful for. I hope the Universe hasn't sent me on this quest to prepare me for something, I hope I never have to put my beliefs to the test, but if I do, I now think it will be possible for me to survive the experience, and that slightly reduces the fear and anxiety I feel; which can only be a good thing.

I'm In Love!

I am so in love with Roma!
I have that addicted feeling like I had in the past with partners, I just want to kiss her all the time and not stop kissing her. I can't stand to be away from her for too long, I take so many photos and I'm just so amazed and proud of her every day.

I love looking at her, I love that I can look at her and she looks at me and doesn't turn away. She hasn't learnt the social etiquette that dictates we shouldn't look at one another for too long; so she allows me to look at her, in the eye for a long time and she smiles. I think that's why we love looking at our partners when they sleep, cause when they are asleep we don't have to take our eyes off them, we are allowed to gaze.

I love gazing, I could gaze all day at her beautiful face. And her voice, oh she has the sweetest little voice. She babbles this baby language that only she understands and she sings in that language too, the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I want to capture it and hear it every day for the rest of my life. She is 19 months old now and when I have her on my hip she has just started doing this thing where she lightly holds my face with both her hands and turns me to face her and then she just looks at me and smiles. It is oh so cute, so tender and so lovely.

This love, makes me feel so vulnerable. I know that the stronger and more wonderful it is, the stronger the pain will be when/if she is taken away. I dread that she be taken away but I know one day she wont be as physically close to me. She could move to Europe when she is 18, have an argument with me when she is 15 and decide not to talk to me for ages, or heaven forbid she could pass away before I do.  It could happen and it would break my heart into so many pieces it would never repair. I know I will need to let her go once she's older, and I will; but right now I'm holding on tight and devouring this little girl and everything she brings into my life.